---

Shove It Saturday Night
Saturday, March 23rd
Live from the Rogers Centre
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

---

-PART 1- John Black - vs - Cyren Shane Mack - vs - Cyren The Crimson Dong - vs - Cyren Cyren must win all 3 matches in order to have his status of J.O.B.B.E.R. removed and be given high quality matches again If John Black wins his match he is no longer John Madison's slave Ann Thraxx Evan Hayes The Freak Mike Rhodes - vs - David Skulley Danny Devia Mr.Natural X-treme Rules, 1 Fall

---

---

---

John Black
- vs -
Cyren

Tonight's the night folks! Cyren - The Sickness must battle three....count 'em 1, 2, THREE...opponents, here tonight! If he manages to pull that off he will lose his status as XWF J.O.B.B.E.R and be able to wrestle normally again. If he fails though....well, god have mercy on his soul! Cyren is showing a lot of vigor and passion though and has already made his way to the ring. Cyren has a stance of attack and eyes burning with the fire to win tonight as John Black emerges from the back. John Black is the first of Cyren's three opponents here tonight and if John Black wins tonight, he stands to win his freedom from the clutches of John Madison. John Black is John Madison's slave per the stipulations of John Black's last match. Now John Black must do everything John Madison orders him to do or receive a punishment worthy of a slave owned by John Madison! This is very apparent as John Black walks from the back and down the ramp towards the ring because John Madison is accompanying him the whole way. Not only is John Madison accompanying John Black but John Madison is dragging John Black to the ring on a leash! If that's not degrading on it's own....John Madison is also forcing John Black to chew on a nasty bloodied up tampon! That's fucking sick! John Madison is holding a can of pepper spray directly up to John Black's eyes as a threat for John Black to know if he stops chewing on that tampon....he's a blind man. What a cruel and sadistic form of torture! Hopefully tonight will be the last night John Black has to go through this shit! Oh what a night this is starting off as! So much is at stake! The fans just scream in utter confusion, not knowing what pathetic situation deserves their support more!

Cyren stares intently at John Black as John Madison drops the leash and lowers the can of pepper spray as he kicks John Black towards the ring. John Black scampers into the ring, bloody tampon still hangin' from his mouth. Oh God! John Black doesn't seem to understand he can spit that shit out! Spit that disgusting shit out John Black! Dammit! That boy ain't right! The bell sounds and both Cyren and John Black attempt to dive at each other at the same time. Both Men smack into each other and topple backwards. Both men rise to there feet while rubbing their heads. They both shake their heads simultaneously and attempt another go at the whole charging thing.

But wait...

John Madison jumps into the ring and spins Cyren around. John Madison then sprays a steady stream of pepper spray into Cyren's eyes. Oh shit! Cyren screams and drops to his knees! The pain must be intense! Cyren's eyes must be burning like crazy! Someone give this man some relief! John Madison adds even more insult to injury though as John Madison tosses the pepper spray aside and whips his dick out and starts pissing on Cyren. What the fuck???? John Madison unloads a full bladder's worth of urine on Cyren! Cyren is covered in piss! Then John Madison pulls out a mic and he zips up and kicks Cyren a bit while Cyren is down and still feeling the effects of the pepper spray.

John Madison: Damn who just lays there and takes a full bladder's worth a piss like that? You must really be a worthless piece of shit to do that! Y'know I know they said you have to fight these assholes one on one till you beat them all but let's face it Cyren....that ain't gonna happen. I mean look at you, you're pathetic! Rolling around in my piss! Eyes all full of pepper spray! You're really a fucking worthless shit stain of an entertainer here in the XWF. In fact I bet if we rip off John Black's filthy drawers and hold 'em up....John Black's shit stains are probably more entertaining than you! That being said I'm gonna go right ahead and call Shane Mack and Crimson Dong out here. C'mon fuckheads! Get to this ring and help lay a boot party on this worthless asshole!

Suddenly from the back as if both of them were just waiting to be called out. Shane Mack and Crimson Dong fly out and run to the ring. Those guys get to the ring in less then a minute! Like they were just back there hungry and waitin' to fuck Cyren up! Both Crimson Dong and Shane Mack dive into the ring. From there Crimson Dong, John Black and Shane Mack begin stomping the shit out of Cyren, who is still feeling the effects of the pepper spray and covered in John Madison's piss. All three men appear to be wearing big steal toed boots and they stomp on Cyren with the fury of men who want to see Cyren dead! Oh my God! Their expressions are painted with the appearance of pure aggression and hate! Cyren receives stomp after brutal stomp by all three of these men and does nothing but take it!

As this is happening John MMadison climbs from the ring and saunters his way to the back. John Madison quickly emerges pushing out a guillotine as he begins whistling a happy tune. John Madison even has a bounce in his step as he pushes the guillotine straight towards the ring. Meanwhile Cyren has been brought to his feet now as Shane Mack holds one of Cyren's arms and John Black holds the other while Crimson Dong is repeatedly mule kicking Cyren. Crimson Dong finishes it all up with a Spear and Cyren drops to the mat as both John Black and Shane Mack cheer. John Madison applauds from outside the ring.

John Madison: Great job! Great job! Now Blacky, grab that and bring him down here! Let's end this shit once and for all! I got a Hot Pocket in the back I wanna make! I don't want to be out here all night before the main event either!

John Black salutes John Madison as he chews away on the bloody tampon. Yes, it's been in John Black's mouth this whole time! Fucking disgusting! John Black then begins to skip towards Cyren's broken and bruised body. However John Black's laces seem to have come undone from all the stomping he did to Cyren. Uh-Oh! John Black trips over his laces and stumbles looking like he's a plane trying to take flight. John Black smacks right into Shane Mack and Shane Mack topples from the ring landing perfectly into place in John Madison's waiting guillotine. It was so precise this shit couldn't have been done better if it was planned! John Madison shrugs and pulls the guillotine's rope!

SWISH!

Shane Mack's head is chopped off instantly. John Madison then casually kicks Shane Mack's body off to the side as it seems he get's a brilliant idea!

John Madison: Hey I got a brilliant idea! Let's see if this guillotine is strong enough to slice The Dong's dong off! Blacky bring Dongy over here and let's find out!

John Black finally up from tripping on his own boot laces, salutes John Madison again and turns towards Crimson Dong. Crimson Dong backs up and begins to stumble backward just as Cyren gets to his feet from being severally brutalized. Cyren grabs the bloody tampon from John Black's mouth and squeezes it in John Black's eyes. Blood and saliva shoot from the soaked tampon into John Black's eyes. John Black wails in frustration as his vision is now impaired. John Black wipes at his eyes with one hand and waves his other hand about to grab Cyren or Crimson Dong....it's not really apparent cause he's not accomplishing grabbing either one. If only there was an eye wash station nearby! John Black begins punching blindly in the air now. Only an idiot could be struck down by this tactic! Suddenly one of John Black's obvious and wayward punches hits Cyren, who must still be feeling the effects of the pepper spray and be groggy from getting stomped cause nothing would explain how he didn't avoid John Black's punch otherwise. The punch is so hard though it causes Cyren to drop out of the ring! Cyren lands right in place to get his head chopped off! This is so unbelievable! How did two people fall perfectly into place like this?? How does this keep happening? John Madison shrugs...it's not The Dong's dong but it's still something to chop. John Madison pulls the rope!

ZOINK!

ZOINK? What the fuck? The blade didn't go down and instead the words "Duplicate Entry" flash along the top of the guillotine. Huh? Who knew this guillotine had the ability to do that? How did it keep track that Cyren had his head already chopped off by it? Why was that the only motorized feature on it too? A message that would flash if you already used it once to chop off person's head? Who thought that up? How does that even enter someone's mind as a possibility to occur? Plus if they went that far...why didn't they just install a button on it that dropped the blade? Why were they still using a rope to do that? So many questions are raised by this one baffling moment! John Madison stomps his foot angrily and pulls Cyren to his feet. John Madison then tosses Cyren aside and begins smacking the side of the guillotine the way someone would smack a tv that's gone on the fritz as he snarls a string of curse words at it. Jesus John...calm the fuck down!


Cyren begins to rise up from the floor after being tossed aside like a piece of garbage by John Madison. The crowd begins to gasp in awe. They can't believe their eyes! No they aren't gasping at Cyren, in awe. The crowd is amazed at Crimson Dong.....he's climbed the ropes. Crimson Dong then dives. Dives to deliver a Frog Splash to Cyren but he does this dong first. Crimson Dong dives with his erect dong pointed straightt at Cyren. The whole thing is really quite majestic as Crimson Dong soars through the air. Throbbing dong aimed straight for Cyren. Cyren looks up as this is happening. Cyren's mouth is agape in shock! Cyren can to nothing quick enough to get away! Crimson Dong lands! It's the birth of a new move! The Dong Splash! The crowd cheers at the sheer brilliance of the move and Cyren drops from feeling it's fury! Oh My God! Crimson Dong then begins pouncing on Cyren while Cyren is down! Repeatedly striking Cyren with his huge bulge! Holy Fuck! How is this hurting Cyren?

Then John Black leaps from the ring. John Black lands with both of his feet cracking Cyren in the skull. From there John Black begins to stomp on Cyren while Cyren is down and being cock attacked by Crimson Dong. This is some bizarre shit that's happening! John Madison glances over and tilts his head as he attempts to get a baring on just what he's seeing.

John Madison: Guys get over here! I can't fucking get this piece of shit to work! We need to figure out how to dispose of that waste of space Cyren once and for all!

John Black and Crimson Dong stop what they were doing and walk over to John Madison. From there John Madison, John Black and Crimson Dong get into a huddle like they're about to discuss a play on the football field. All three men begin to whisper to each other furiously and the crowd is left wondering what these men are discussing. As this is going on however Cyren sits up. Cyren looks over at John Madison, John Black and Crimson Dong all huddled in a group discussing Cyren's fate. Cyren not wasting a second jumps to his feet and runs straight for the crowd. Cyren leaps over the barrier like an antelope escaping a lion. Cyren pushes through the crowd and keeps going as the ref begins to count.

1






2







3







4






John Madison looks up from the huddle.







5







John Madison realizes what's happening.







6







John Madison: Son of a bitch! The fucker got away!










7










John Madison slaps John Black in the back of the head.









8









John Madison: Why did you let Cyren get away! What the hell!!! How can we kill that asshole now? Way to fucking go John Black! Thanks! Thanks for fucking nothing!











9












John Madison shakes his head in disappointment as he glares at John Black and John Black hangs his head in shame. John Madison shoves John Black towards the ring and pushes John Black into the ring.














TEN!!!

Cyren is out! John Black is the winner!

Shane comes walking from the back with a look of boredom on his face. Shane really didn't care what happened here tonight.

Shane : Well John Black, you win....you get your freedom back. Cyren lost....big surprise there! Where is he even? I don't see him in the ring! Y'know what I don't care. I wasn't watching this match and this whole thing is just a bunch of bullshit anyway. John Black you aren't...

John Madison: Wait!

Shane looks at John Madison with curiosity as to why John Madison interrupted him.

John Madison: John Black got help from me, Shane Mack, and Crimson Dong....he shouldn't get his freedom back. That was cheating! How can a cheater like Blacky get his freedom back! That's not right! Is it HOSM (Head Of Shane Mack)?

John Madison holds up Shane Mack's decapitated head and shakes it back in forth "no".

John Madison: I fucking hate having John Black as my slave but I'll continue to put up with it so John Black learns...cheating isn't a way to win.

Shane nods and appears to think for a moment before he speaks.

Shane : You're right John Madison and Shane Mack's...head. Cheating is wrong. Shame on you John Black. You may have claimed a win in this match but it's a dirty win! That's no way to win! You think I appreciate cheating on my show? Well I don't! I despise cheating!

John Madison: Yeah! Fuck cheating!

Shane : For cheating to claim a win you will remain John Madison's slave until you can pick up a decent victory!

John Black hangs his head as he realizes this means he won his match but still remains a slave to John Madison. The fans boo furiously at this development. No one likes slavery here! That doesn't matter though because John Black is definitely a slave to John Madison and that fact won't change til John Black's next win. Let's hope that happens soon!

Winner (but still slave): John Black

Note: Cyren's next 2 matches get cancelled since one of the opponents is now dead, and since Cyren already lost match 1 anyway. Hoorah!

---

---

---

We cut to the backstage area and... what the fuck?



Suddenly the entire screen gets a green hue...

We lookin at ya favourite rasta. He got dem dreads hangin down his face an he got voodoo paint at his eyes, circles an' circles an' circles again. -

Treshawn Palmer: Me got two tings in life. Me crack pipe and me honor. Hemphasis on de honor mon.

Yo resident dealah got all his gear up in the place. Crack rocks bubblin away on a spoon.

Treshawn Palmer: Look a dis yo-ah, look what de mon tryna tell ya. Me comin here fa' all da glory mon. You got some gold an ting, me want a piece-a dat. Me openin up de challenge yo, any one of you champion, come an get me, ya hear?

Who will dare to challenge this man???

Fade out...

---

---

---

Ann Thraxx
Evan Hayes
The Freak Mike Rhodes
- vs -
David Skulley
Danny Devia
Mr.Natural
X-treme Rules, 1 Fall

As we turn focus back to the ring, six of our competitors are already there. We’ll assume their music played and there were big-crowd pops and boos, popcorn and roses thrown at their feet as they waded to the ring. The fans are in a very strange mood tonight.

Okay, now that we have the introductions out of the way, a short and chunky referee signals for the bell to sound! All 6 competitors are standing in the ring, looking at one another. Finally deciding to take an initiative, Ann Thraxx barrels forward and delivers a stunning missile dropkick to David Skulley!

The match is on!

???: Oh Noooo – it is not!

The lights in the arena go dark.

The booming voice seems to have come from ‘on high.’ As we stand in darkness, finally a slowly escalating cloud of white light appears hovering over the ring.

It grows brighter and in it’s vicious glow, illuminates the source of the voice.

???: Yes, I am the Father, the Son and ---

The tone of the man, a black man at that, begins to rise in anger.

???: …really, really pissed off!

As he speaks, thunder crackles in the sky and the arena begins to quake.

My god, that’s not just ANY black man with supernatural powers! It’s Morgan
Freeman!

It’s GOD ALMIGHTY!

All 6 of the competitors drop to their knees in fealty.

He resumes to speak.

GOD: I have been watching XWF for a long time… for all the ages… and I am sickened by this display of silence and lack of emotion poured into this particular contest! As punishment, I am going to remove the most weak-willed of you from this match!

At that, God claps his hands and… OH MY GOD!




Polar Bears are dropping from the sky! They are ferocious!




They are chasing the competitors around the rin—OH NO!

Two of them have latched onto Mike Rhodes and Evan Hayes! The two superstars are begin drug from the ring and to the backstage area!

OH MY GOD!

Two of the roster have been abducted by Polar Bears!

Ann Thraxx is left without team mates!

GOD: My will is done.

As the cloud begins to beam back to the heavens, it stops for a moment.

GOD: Also… legalize gay marriage and marijuana… shit just got real…

And then he’s gone.

Ann Thraxx isn’t going to take this lying down! She runs up and bulldogs an inattentive Danny Devia! He goes down hard!

Quick enough, Skulley is pulling Thraxx away and sandwiching her in a headlock! Thraxx is fighting to reverse her way out of it! It’s no use and she goes down to the mat!

The referee, whilst smoking a cigar, asks if she is ready to give up?

ANN THRAXX: Hell Nah!

That is what she said.

So she begins to rake the eyes of Skulley, forcing him to break away. However, Devia and Mr. Natural begin to put the boots to Thraxx, who is seemingly disadvantaged! But no! A leg sweep and both of her attackers go down!

She quickly elbow drops Devia and then climbs the ropes, delivering a punishing 450 splash to Mr. Natural!

But here comes Skulley once more! He goes for a shoulder tackle but he’s sidestepped and swung into the turnbuckle! Ann Thraxx is on fire! She motions to the crowd as Mr. Natural stumbles to his feet!



We cue to the backstage area, at this moment, where Hayes and Rhodes have been pummeled by the polar bears, who now lie napping.



By the Gods!



There are flying monkeys, all smoking marijuana, sitting in the back and taking turns flinging poop at the sluggish XWF superstars!!!!

They take turns, having crafted a crudely makeshift ‘scoreboard’ of a vending machine!

One flying monkey rears back, does a high leg kick and tosses a ‘spitball’ (or a steamer, in this case), right between the eyes of Rhodes!

My god, the atrocity!




Back in the ring, Thraxx has Mr. Natural wobbling in front of her… and she hits THE DEPTH PERCEPTION! She makes the cover!

...1

























...2






























...THREE!!! Thank GOD this is over!

GOD: You're welcome.

...

Winner: Ann Thraxx

---

---

---

The fans are in anticipation for the biggest match of the year so far! A low roar is among them as we get set for...

to be continued!