Shane takes the stage as everyone waits patiently to find out the final picks for each team. Shane pulls a raw potato out of his pocket, rubs it on his sleeve a little bit to clean it off, and then just takes a big ol bite right out of it.

With his cheeks puffy and filled with deliciousness, Shane smiles and allows a few pieces of potato to escape his teeth.

Thanks for being patient, everyone. It's time to find out the final member of each four person team heading into week 1 of the Lethal Lottery! The Week 1 matches take place THIS WEDNESDAY, October 16th! On this date, we will literally see TWENTY NAMES eliminated from this forty person tournament. Eight competitors will walk into each match on Wednesday, and four competitors will walk out and advance to Week 2.

Let's get cracking!

The person who earns the first pick tonight is none other than Joseph Kain. His pick, joining along with Jessie Diaz and Christine Nash, will be none other than...


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MATT LENNOX!

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Next up, we hear from Michael McBride with his pick. Joining his team along with Rebel and Sincere Lee Wild will be...


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CHARLOTTE DYSON!

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Let's move on to Liz Hathaway and see who will join her team of Mystica and Nightmare. Liz has chosen the one and the only...


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JTC!

In the background, Tony Santos is seen mouthing "thank you, thank you" to himself as he sees JTC join Liz's team. That's not very nice, Tony!

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We now come to TEAM GREEN's pick! Who will Barney choose to join himself, Peter Gilmour and Casey Jones? It's none other than...


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ZAK MISERY!

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Looks like it's Hunter Payne's turn now. I sure as hell hope he isn't scribbling names out again and just writing in people.

WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!

Finally! THE LOTTO BALL! THE LOTTO BALL!!

Shane starts screaming and throws his potato. He's really excited that somebody finally chose the lotto ball! Look at that shit eating grin plastered across his ugly mug!

We all know what this means! Joining Hunter Payne, Juan Madison, and Tri Bute will be none other than...


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THE MYSTERY PARTNER!

Suddenly there is some commotion from the back. It looks like somebody is wheeling out a giant birthday cake???

What???

Several children push the giant cake over to Shane as he stares, not knowing what the fuck's going on.

What the hell is this crap? I've got more names to announce!

The children start singing happy birthday to... the cake?

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU... HAPPY" you get the point.

Shane covers his ears and yells at them to shut up! He's NOT a fan of children (or anyone) singing. When he was younger he used to launch potatoes out of his window when Christmas carolers came to sing in front of his house.




Suddenly...




THE CAKE EXPLODES!!!!


White goop flies through the air and literally lands on everybody in attendance.


As a body becomes visible from within the cake, Hunter Payne watches this all happen and when he realizes who just came out of the cake, he jumps for joy! (no pun intended)


Hunter is THRILLED to see that joining his team will be none other than...


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DEAN MOXLEY MCGOVERN! He's back! He's beaten the sexual abuse charges (again) and he's a free man!

The children all continue singing happy birthday to Dean as he wipes some of the frosting from his own crotch and licks it. Everyone looks at him as the children dance around him, and it's just a high level of shock. Nobody knows what to even say.

What the fuck just happened to the Lethal Lottery?

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Ok everyone settle down! It's time for the next pick, which belongs to Alexandra Callaway!

She has chosen, to join her team of Radio and Waldo...

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Scotty Guillermo!

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This brings us to John Austin's pick. Joining John, NAZI and Steve Davids will be...


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Matt Ward!

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We're down to the last three teams now. Let's move on to Cam Lang! Who has he chosen to join his team of Egyptian Snow Pharaoh and Theo Pryce?


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KEN KENNEDY!

Everyone looks around but there's actually no sign of Ken. Shane waits a few seconds and then calls Cam Lang up to the podium.

I'm sorry, Cam... but I actually don't think Ken Kennedy is going to be a part of this tournament. You see it's quite simple; the man hasn't even aired a single promo for the month of October and he hasn't answered my telegram asking if he's going to participate.

Cam doesn't look pleased.

As you know, I'm a fair man. I'm going to go ahead and REMOVE Ken Kennedy from your team entirely!

Cam looks around and then asks Shane what that means for the team.

That's an easy one, Cam! It means you just got royally fucked in your ass by my potato.

Cam stares a hole through Shane as Shane continues, laughing...

Ha ha ha... you're the only guy marching into the Lethal Lottery with a handicap team! You will officially be ONE MAN SHORT! Congratulations!

Shane begins to clap as everyone else looks on in shock. We all knew Shane was full of crap and loved sticking it to people, but this takes the cake! (not Dean's cake; that has kiddy germs on it)

Cam does not look one bit amused but Shane quickly calls security out to escort him back to his seat.

Sit down and get out of my face. It's time for me to announce the next team that actually will GET a partner!

A low murmur slowly circulates among everyone as Shane smiles and moves on to the next pick.

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Alright, now it's time for Smoke Man to make his selection. Along with Eli James and Shawn Steele, Smoke Man has chosen...


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KIMMY K!

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AAAAAAAAND NOW.... we come to the final pick of the evening! Anybody keeping track already knows that this is Tony Santos' pick and they know that joining his team of Sebastian Duke and Andrew Morrison will be...

The one...

The only...


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SALMAN VAN DAM!




Everyone gathers with their new, temporary team mates and talks amongst themselves. Cam Lang and his team seem rather annoyed that they've gotten the shaft, but who cares? Shane is pleased with this outcome and that's all that matters here tonight.

TO BE CONTINUED shortly.

Comments/replies welcome in the meantime.