The chaos. The 82 push-ups. That bastard tree named Liam. All vanquished! The physical portion of my training lingered behind, fading like a cloud of dust. It was cathartic. It was freeing.

I felt as though I was getting my groove back.

You see, in pro wrestling, there are several different factors that comprise a success story. It takes more than being able to handle yourself inside a ring. If that were the only factor then the biggest dude, or woman, (can’t be sexist!) would rule the promotion.

Why doesn’t that happen?

Linguistics. Language. The ability to cut a promo.

THIS is what separates the talented from the successful. A person is required to have both the physical and mental elements of professional wrestling sharpened and ready at all times if they wish to ascend.

I’d always found the physical portion of this sport to come naturally. I guess that has to do with me standing nearly seven feet tall. Genetics, FOR THE WIN.

Do people still say for the win?

Ah, who cares.

THE POINT IS – that mental portion. The ability to go scorched earth on your opponent. It’s an art. One that can dry up quicker than whichever woman Chris Chaos is pining over after a few ‘flirty’ texts.

Got to keep that shit moist.

Got to keep that shit on point.

Problem for me...I haven’t. I’ve given my trash talk as much attention as the dead plastic plant seated in the corner of my bedroom.

YES.

PLASTIC PLANT.

IT FUCKIN DIED.

That’s how little attention I gave it.

This isn’t good, friends. This isn’t ideal...a far fucking departure, in fact. I need to get my shit straight and FAST. Savage is on the other side of our next sunrise and I’ve got three homos I need to straighten out if I have any hopes of standing tall.

---

RECORD SCRATCH

“Man…” Mof’s voice trailed away.

“What?” I asked, curious. I thought I’d been holding strong, so far. While not my best promo work, it was certainly good enough to handle my three opponents, right? Right? RIGHT?!

“WRONG!” he shouted back, as though he could hear my inner dialogue. Or maybe I’d just said all that shit aloud. “You just said...paraphrasing because, quite frankly, it hurts to remember it word-for-word...but you just said you were gonna straighten three homosexuals out so you can stand tall.”

“So?”

“Do I really need to elaborate on how terrible that is?” He did. A palm smack to the forehead later and he began his elaboration. “For starters, you sound like the homo. No offense.”

I took no offense, therefore I shrugged.

“And, if people didn’t make that totally obvious connection, then they’d jump to the fairly obvious assumption that you’re some sort of anti-gay person looking to convert every homosexual you come across.” Mof leaned back, seated on my couch, arms folded. “Neither option is all that great, man.”

He was right. I had sorta fucked up. Maybe not the worst fuck up in the world under normal circumstances but, in the world of professional wrestling, one slip up like that will have you on the mat, staring at those arena lights.

Mof’s hands rubbed his knees. His eyes wandered, seeking an idea he hoped lingered in the air. “Ya know, maybe instead of this freestyling...maybe we should check out what your opponents are up to. What they had to say...pick their stuff apart. I think that might be easier. Freestyling is for the pros.”

“I am a pro!”

“Well, yes and no. But we’ll get you caught up in that area down the road. Right now, we need to get your game at least to a level high enough to match your opponents.”

My posture slumped. I really thought I could freestyle my way to victory. “Fine.” Plus, I didn’t want to watch their shit. I really didn’t.

---

“I think we fucked up,” The Wizard whispered, hiding in the Woods of Elderdom alongside Edward Mof.

Mof shot The Wizard an incredulous gaze. “Sorry, fudged.” Mof’s look went from incredulous to even MORE incredulous. “What?”

“Nevermind,” Mof turned his focus back on the happenings beneath the hill where the Woods of Elderom sat. Police cars surrounded the scene of the accident – or crime, depending upon how you view such matters. A gas station attendant smashed into smithereens. His cell phone, blinking, hoping...waiting for its master to return and finish level what-the-fuck-ever.

Their investigation turned toward the station. A station devoid of patrons. That meant a brief review yielding no conclusion.

It wouldn’t be long until their inquiry into the abrupt death of a pretty shitty employee would head upward. North into...THE WOODS OF ELDERDOM.

---

“Alright...and...it’s uploaded, here we go!”

Wrestler82’s promo began to play.

I tried opening a beer for this, but Mof demanded focus and concentration.

Started off well enough...guy is in a foster home. He gets picked on. I can understand why, he seems like a whiny bitch. I mean, kids are usually a good judge of character. They never pick on the strongest, smartest, or most athletic. Always the weakest.

So, there’s one thing we can deduce. Wrestler82 is weak as fuck.

Hmm, okay...now he’s at the club. Alright, I can get behind this...untz untz untz...yea, club music. Hell yea. Wait, he’s wearing the same shit he wore in the ring TO the club? No wonder people pick on this guy. That’s fuckin nasty.

And, of course, some skanks are rubbing up on him. Yea man, if I was wearing my sweaty, smelly, disgusting ring attire to a night club and some chicks wanted to dance with me I’d get major herpes vibes. STAY AWAY, BRAH.

Whew, okay...so that’s over. Now the trash talk,

Oh cool, he’s gonna rant about Chaos. I should take notes.

Alright, he says Chaos is a...what...what was that…

A MULTI TIME CHAMPION



Not gonna lie. I still can’t believe what I just heard. I mean, nothing against Chaos. He just kinda sucks, is all. Multi Time Champion? Did XWF have a Special Olympics division once? We talking some kinda backyard shit that was too crappy for main roster programming?

I’d do more digging but it looks like he’s about to mention THE WIZARD.

Annnd...wow, that wasn’t much. Stick my wand up my nose like a COVID test. Well, it’s more creative than my ass, so I’ll give him props for that.

END VIDEO

“What did you think?”

I could have regurgitated my stream of consciousness but what would have been the point? I’d simply stick to the biggest flaw I found throughout Wrestler82’s entire diatribe.

“I’m kinda surprised he’s so willing to admit and brag about waiting outside the ring while the three of us tear one another apart. I mean, it’s not only kinda cowardly but it’s also pretty stupid.”

Mof leaned forward, “And why is that?”

Man, this all seemed kinda convenient.

“Like, if that were MY strategy, I’d probably not mention it, you know? Kinda slip out of the ring and hope they don’t notice me. By just out front saying ‘HEY GUYS I’M GONNA BE OUTSIDE THE RING WAITING FOR YOU THREE TO TEAR EACH OTHER UP. PLZ DON’T BOTHER ME, KTHX!’ well, that’s sorta putting an unintended target on his back.”

And, it did. I can tell you right now, as Ford is my witness, I will make it my mission to go after Wrestler82 right after the bell rings. I’m gonna stalk him so hard he’s gonna need a fuckin restraining order by the time the match is over.

Mof smiled, “Alight then. Sounds like you’ve got something resembling a strategy. No shit, I thought Wrestler82 was a jobber. So he’s at least better than what I was expecting.”

“I know, right?”

We laughed.

“Okay, let’s see if I can dig up MULTI-TIME CHAMPION Chris Chaos’ promo.”



“It’s gotta be here on youtube somewhere.”

Mof scoured Youtube for the words and actions of the chaotic man himself. In the meantime, I sat back, feeling a little more confident than my previous, five-minute-ago self.

---

“Ed, man, they are done with the convenience store…” The Wizard’s magical voice shook. The staff in his hands trembled. The man possessed powers, no doubt. But his powers were likely useless against the long, thick, menacing arm of THE LAW.

Mof started to talk but stopped. His eyes widened upon the recognition that the officers’ attention was now directed toward THE WOODS OF ELDERDOM. Not a surprise, really. Those woods aren’t exactly hidden and do sort of tower over the convenience store. A pretty decent spot to hide, if one were so inclined to make oneself scarce after an accidental homicide.

The two conferred. Their freedom hanging by the balance. The Woods of Elderdom, meanwhile, began to stir. A group of angry, revenge filled teens had managed to infiltrate The Wizard’s home, undetected.

Mof and The Wizard were surrounded. Cops in the front, teens in the back...the very teens The Wizard had tricked into a couple of overnight stints at the local county lockup.

Things weren’t looking good.

---

“Here we go!” Mof declared, nearly tossing my Fire Stick across the room. “The Chris Chaos promo! Let’s see what the multi-champion has to say!”

No lie, I was interested. I mean, Chris Chaos didn’t look like a champion to me. But, perhaps I’d overestimated the guy. I leaned forward for this one. Eyes open. Ears alert. It was time to learn me some Chaos.

Oh cool, he wears a mask. That’s really original.

Seems like this guy has a real problem with authority. I guess that’s what the mask is for, so they can’t DOX him and make his life a living hell. Maybe.

The snake-head analogy. That makes sense. Not sure what he means with all this appendage talk. Snakes don’t really have arms and legs. At least none of the snakes I’ve been around. The Woods of Elderdom only possess the simplest snakes. None of these snakes with legs Chaos seems to be referencing.

Or maybe he’s just confused. Maybe he’s talking about lizards. All reptiles are snakes to Chris Chaos. Special dude that he is.

Guy wears a spooky mask. Guy talks about cutting appendages off over and over. Guy thinks snakes have legs. And he wants to know why he’s the bad guy? Okay, then.

Called me an alsoran. I guess that makes sense, in Chris Chaos logic.

Wait, hold up.

He’s held EVERY BELT IN THIS COMPANY…



Sorry, I just...I mean...I just can’t.

Anyway, back to the video.

Really wish this guy would get to his point. Oh, okay, he just said he’s going to get to his point, thank the good ford. Wait, he’s got TWO points? Alright then…

Not gonna lie, I kinda zoned out during the rest of his promo.

It sounded okay, I guess.

---

“Well?” Mof asked, at the video’s conclusion. Suddenly, an ad for butt paste began to play. Mof hurried to turn it off.

Arms extended, palms up, “I...mean...all I got, really is that this guy seems to be a major cinephile.”

Mof nodded, “Yea, he does like quoting movies.”

“Mhm.”

“But, he is a former multi-time champion. He’s held every title this company has to offer…”

We both paused.



“I guess that should intimidate me but, honestly Ed, all it does is give me confidence. The confidence that I will win a ton of belts in XWF.”

“Yea, can’t say I blame ya.”

“In fact,” I continued confidence swelling, “I’m surprised I’m not the champion already. I mean, if Chaos is so decorated.”

We shared hope. Optimism. If Chaos was the measuring stick then success was a given. It was like walking into a basketball practice for the first time and seeing a bunch of guys under six feet shooting the ball from their waist. Or, ya know, entering an argument with a woman. Easy.

“I guess that leaves Liam.”

I nodded, “Yea, the most mysterious of them all.”

Mof searched “Liam Roberts Promo”. I sat back and anxiously awaited the voice and image of my third and final opponent.

---

“They’re coming up here,” The Wizard whispered.

“I can see that,” Mof’s agitated voice replied.

“Run?”

Mof hesitated. He thought things through...as The Wizard’s manager slash dating coach, he had to make sure his client made the best choice possible.

The teens continued to sneak up behind the duo.

“Dude, look, he’s with some old guy!” one of the teens observed.

Another teen laughed, “Haha, what a phaggot!”

“I can’t wait to kick his ass,” a third teen, perhaps the victim of prison rape announced.

The other two nodded. The group of five teens, to be exact, paced ahead – quicker than before. They were closing in on their intended kill.

---

“Hmm,” Mof slapped the Fire Stick remote, “I’m not sure this thing is working.”

I snared it from him. Part worried he’d break it, other part convinced I could handle the equipment better than a fifty something-year-old dating coach. “Let me try!”

Mof nodded, “I like the take-charge attitude! Getting that confidence up. I can see it in your eyes. Maybe we’ll get rid of that Wizard gimmick and go back to calling you by your Christian name.”

Heavy eye roll. “The Wizard stays, Mof.”

Despite the extreme disdain I felt leaking from his pores, he did not protest. He hated the gimmick. Most serious competitors did. But I enjoyed it. It was a get out of jail free card. An opportunity to fuck up, look stupid, fail...without the consequence of having to face the fallout from said failure during my day-to-day.

People knew the Wizard.

But they didn’t know me.

“Oh! Here we go!” I popped. “I found the Liam Roberts Promo video!”

“Giddy up!” Mof had never sounded so excited.

I mean, seriously. Here we were...about to watch Liam Roberts drop absolute gold. THE Liam Roberts we’d heard so much about. THE Liam Roberts...a man who didn’t back down from anybody. This man was a legend. Or, at least he sounded that way.

Excitement was brimming.

“And...play!”



What?!

No, surely that’s a mistake.

“I’m gonna reload.”

“Please do!” Mof hopped around, really anxious to see Liam Roberts deliver the goods he’d promised.

“And...PLAY!”



Silence.

Disappointment.

Confusion?

“What the hell, man?”

Edward popped to his feet, “You mean to tell me a promo from the great Liam Roberts doesn’t exist?”

“Apparently not,” I hit play over and over again. NOTHING.

Mof’s hands found his pointed hips, “Well, not gonna lie, but that’s rather disappointing.”

“No shit, almost as disappointing as finding out Chris Chaos is a multi-time champion.”



“Well,” Mof snared the remote from my hand, returning to the home screen, “I guess that’s it, then.”

“Do...I just ignore Liam in the match?”

“If he even shows up, yea. He can be the one standing outside, watching you guys compete. Maybe he’ll fall asleep and be a none factor. The bell will probably wake him up.”

I chewed on that for a second, along with some dead skin from my bottom lip. “Yea, makes sense. Sleepy Liam. Too tired to bother, I suppose.”

Five minutes later we were chowing down on wings.

---

The weaponized ruffians were a few feet from their unsuspecting targets. A slow countdown began.

Climbing up the hill, police officers were in search of MURDERERS.

The Wizard and Edward Mof had no further time to waste. It was NOW or PRISON.

Mof and The Wizard exchanged a look. Mof nodded. The Wizard’s hood nodded. They began to get up.

The teens looked at one another. They all nodded. They lunged.

The police officers looked at one another. They nodded. They climbed.

The Wizard and Mof turned and took off. The teens jumped. “Oh shit!” The Wizard said, grabbing Mof and diving forward. The five teens SOARED over The Wizard and Mof.

“LOOK OUT!” the cops yelled as the teens flew from The Woods of Elderdom, into the cops, sending the seven bodies tumbling down the hill and into the convenience store parking lot, where they came to a tangled stop.

The Wizard and Mof slowly looked up, peeking out over the hill.

“What the fuck!” an angry cop yelled.

“But...we...were...a…” a teen stammered

“We were hunting a Wizard, sir,” another teen said, foolishly.

The second cop set his eyes upon the teens. “YOU GUYS AGAIN!”

Fifteen minutes later.

Locked in the back of three cop cars, the five teens hung their heads. More jail time. Alot more jail time, probably. One teen cast his eyes out of the backseat window, staring up at The Woods of Elderdom.

He spotted...The Wizard. Standing a few feet within the woods.

“IT’S HIM!” the kid yelled, pointing from the backseat. His announcement resulted in an instant taze.

---

I guess I should turn myself in. Let the kids off the hook.

But, whatever.

I’ve encountered enough failure and hardship in my life. Besides, those kids are assholes.

Chris Chaos, Multi-Time XWF champion



Wrestler82 and Sleepy Liam Roberts...I look forward to our match on Saturday. It’s yet another challenge I must pass if I hope to ascend to my desired position within XWF.

Once I’m there, I won’t forget you guys. You may wind up being nothing more than a notch on my belt, but I’ll always remember the night I defeated...well, all three of you.

I am The Wizard.

Bask in My Aura.