From Ruby’s Go-Pro...

We’re met with Ruby holding the camera at arm’s length, pointed at her own masked face. The outline of her yellow-green outfit can be seen at the screen’s edge. Ruby does a quick snap ‘n point at the camera.

Ruby: ”Howdy doodle-doo! Ish ya girl Rubes, back in the old outfit! Yeah, yeah, I know what y’all are thinking. [i]’Wow. That Anarchy title sure went to her head! One victory over Sarah Lacklan and she thinks she’s the savior of the world again!’ Well, I can understand it if you feel like that, but the truth is… I’m not wearing this suit because I am 100% convinced of my worthiness, but because I need to set someone straight. A girl who needs my help, or at least that’s what I believe. Of course everybody knows I’m talking about Vita Valenteen, the girl I hope to face in the Lethal Lottery final. But to do that, we need to make sure we’re on the same page. Ironic is what it is. And that’s easier said than done.”

The superheroine scratches her temple, and shakes her head.

Ruby: ”Now look, I like VIta. I can tell she’s a good kid, just severely misguided. So I’ll do what I can to offer her a guiding hand and maybe hopefully give her a gentle nudge on the right path. And to do that, you gotta lead by example! See, Vita’s got her own superhero thing going on, apparently as a way of reaching out to little old me. Kind of her, eh? Thing is, I’m not 100% sure she knows what it actually MEANS to be good, and do the right thing, you know? So that’s why I’m gonna show her. Put on the suit once again. And tonight we’re gonna set some crooks straight, and I‘m gonna show her how to achieve victory the right way!”

Ruby looks over her shoulder, as if she’s waiting for someone.

Ruby: ”Apparently it’s taking her a while to get into her costume though, which is weird given how unnecessarily skimpy it is. But I guess that leaves me with time to drop a message for our upcoming Lethal Lottery opponents.

Now where do we start? Let’s kick things off with not the brainiest of the bunch, but certainly the biggest. Amjetkun Socio, I still have no flippin’ idea what your name is supposed to mean. I’m sure you covered it extensively in a promo somewhere because you’re all about that character depth, aren’t you? I’m afraid my profanity blocker on my web browser must’ve bleeped it out, which honestly I’m not all that sad about. One thing I did notice is how incredibly hung up you seem to be on Gilly supposedly carrying me through round one? That’s rich, coming from the guy whose middle name is ‘dead weight’ to all of his Lethal Lottery partners. Just ask Vita and Fuzz. Honestly, my guy, did you abandon the roids and went straight for the synthol? And did you inject it in your brain? You realize that isn’t going to make you smarter, right? Oh, and if you wanna look like Popeye so much, I’d advise spinach. But go fresh, not canned. Go fresh veggies, you’re so delicious!

Then there’s Fuzz! My guy! You’ve always said you wanted the Anarchy Championship, but that me winning it means you’ll give me a bit of leeway. Well, I’m sure that’s a nice gesture and all, bud. But I’d rather you didn’t. Come one, come all. Of course I don’t decide the booking but I’d be happy to give you a shot. That’s why I’m glad we get to meet in the ring here. And then maybe you’ll realize that I’m not just the Anarchy Champion because you allow me to be. I’m Champ because I earned it. And I’ll do the same for the semi’s here!

As for the BIG SHANK, once again, I love saying your name out loud… ‘sup, good lookin’? You and Fuzz may not be the best team in the XWF, but you’d definitely be in the, like, top three of most handsome ones. That’s not too bad, is it? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t only judge a person by their looks, but if it’s there, it’s there. But you’re gonna have to do better than stand there and look pretty if you want a shot at the final. I’m sure you will, though. You didn’t ride any coattails on your way here, that’s for sure.

Then there is the Mastermind! ‘Sup bud? Again, thanks for tagging and sorry to see what they saddled you up with this time. I definitely had a lot of fun with you in my corner. I mean, not like ‘Casa Bonita fun’, although you do look like the kinda guy who has his own version of Black Bart’s cave somewhere in one of your many lairs; in which case, tish and pish for not showing it to me! And if you’re surprised I know South Park references, I watched it extensively during my college days in Boulder. Ahh, how young and not so innocent I was back then. Which reminds me...”

Ruby looked around for her partner in anti-crime, and as if summoned by the bell, Vita landed right next to her as her alter ego.

The Pink Mist: “Ka-Boom! All done! Where we going?”

Ruby winked, and the camera went dark.

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Ruby: ”Here we are!”


Ruby crouched down at the edge of the rooftop. She motioned for Vita to do the same, and the Pink Mist did just that. Her banana-lime counterpart retrieved a pair of night vision goggles from her backpack, which would allow her to see better into the darkness of night. Despite a few spotlights on the overhead rooftops it was hard to see much of anything out on the courtyard below.

The Pink Mist: “So what did these dudes do? Drugs? Weapons? Oooh, slavery? Please let there be slaves! Maybe I can get one for Noah as a Christmas present!!”

Ruby sighed. She assumed VIta was joking on that last part so chose to ignore it.

Ruby: ”Nothing like that, I’m afraid. Or I should say ‘I’m glad’. What you’re looking at, dear Vita,...-””

The Pink Mist: “Pink Mist! Don’t use my actual name, superhero 101, sheesh!!”

Ruby: ”Sorry, Pink Mist. What we’re looking at are a bunch of no-good poachers from Africa. And not from the happy places depicted in the Toto song. These guys kill endangered animals and sell their meat to rich clients who are willing to pay a lot for a good old lion steak. Or guys willing to buy rhino horn thinking it’ll improve their sexual performances because they can’t get it up anymore. I think at least 2 XWF members are on their client list, and I know for a fact Vinnie once bought a batch of giraffe blood as a so-called miraculous hair growth tonic. Didn’t stop his hair from thinning, but don’t tell him I said that.”

The Pink Mist: “Maybe it just works for the hair between the ass cheeks.”


Ruby: ”Thanks for that fantastic image you made me conjure up in my mind, Misty… Anyway, let’s see how many there are.”

She surveyed the scene, watching a couple of guys unload wooden boxes from a bunch of trucks. There were a few men standing guard as well, but they didn’t seem to be paying that much attention. Good.

Ruby: ”Okay, Misty. Here’s the deal. I see three armed guards. It’s important we take them out first. One of them is carrying a radio so he needs to go before he can call for backup. The workers don’t seem to be armed, but always expect them to be. Knives are likely, so keep your elbows in front should they lash out. Less arteries they can hit there. I can’t get a good look at the front of the trucks so there might still be drivers inside so I doubt it. That’s a total of twelve guys, which I think the both of us can take, but we’ll have to play this smart. If we’re smart and stealthy we’ll have taken out all three armed guards before they’ve even realized we’re here, so make sure to keep as quiet as you can.”


Quickly trying to devise the best strategy, Ruby, still looking through the night goggles, saw a potential exploit.

Ruby: ”Okay, if you go left and down the roof, I think you can sneak up behind the guy with the radio. However, wait for my signal because it’ll take me a while longer to get in position properly. After we’ve both taken our guards out, I can close in on the other one and you can bum rush the workers. Be as gentle as they allow you to be, however, we’re not sure how involved they are in all of this. You got all that, Mist? ...Mist?”

Ruby removed the goggles and looked to her side, where VIta had been lying. But she was nowhere to be seen.

Ruby: ”Wh-? Oh no...”


The Pink Mist: “COWABUNGA ASSBUUUUUTTS!!”

VIta’s roar pierced the cold air of night as she leapt off the rooftop edge, instantly drawing the attention of everybody on the courtyard. Ruby could see everybody going for their weapons. Luckily, guns were only worn by the guards, but she had to do something fast. She threw the goggles away and leapt down the side of the building.


Ruby: ”LANGUAAAAAAAAGE!”

Ruby aimed for the nearest guard and landed straight on his shoulders, drilling her knees into him to knock him out instantly. VIta was locked in a tussle with the guard with the radio, grabbing his weapon by the shaft, struggling for control. He was a lot taller and stronger, but Vita was inventive and not afraid to go for the low hanging fruit… literally. A swift kick to the testicles and a well placed headbutt were enough to send him to dreamland. The girl had a thick skull, that much was clear. But Ruby wasn’t allowed to be impressed for long. She saw the third and final guard take aim at the Pink Mist and her heart rate shot up, adrenaline surging through her entire body as she exploded out of her stance with the speed of an Olympic sprinter. She speared him right in the midriff, sending him flying despite her small stature. It was all about explosiveness, willpower and angles! She ran up to VIta and kicked the weapons away as a precaution. Not that she suspected Vita would actually shoot anyone, but you never knew.

In any case, Ruby’s plan of stealth was thrown out of the proverbial window, and now it was THEM being bum rushed by the workers who were every bit as hostile and aggressive as Ruby had hoped they wouldn’t be. Ruby had VIta’s back and vice versa… Literally. They paired up back-to-back so they had a clear overview while being surrounded.

Ruby: ”Good job! They’re all on us!”

The Pink Mist: “What? I did what you told me to! Go left and down the roof!”

Ruby: ”And did you STOP listening after that??”

The Pink Mist: “It seemed pretty straightforward to me!!”

Ruby: ”That’s the problem with you isn’t it? Even when you listen, you don’t really LISTEN do you?”

The hostiles got closer and closer, some of them drawing knives, and one of them even had a taser. Ruby ducked one incoming blow and hit the assailant with a low sweep, knocking him on his back.

The Pink Mist: “Got him!”

Vita used Ruby’s shoulder as a springboard and hit a pitch perfect dropkick on him, sending him to dreamland as well. Another attacker tried to stomp Vita’s head in while she was down on the ground and vulnerable, but Ruby rushed towards him, tackled him to the ground and formed a sledge with her hands, sending her closed fists crashing down into his face. Down and out! Vita scurried to her feet, as did Ruby and the two regrouped while others were still closing in.

The Pink Mist: “You make a good springboard! We should totally do that move in our match.”

Ruby: ”I guess I’d rather be a springboard than a punching bag. Let’s make it out of here first though, eh?”

Vita shot forth, grabbing the nearest assailant and Irish Whipping him towards Ruby who hit him with a skull crunching knee to the face. Vita then hopped on over, nailing the one nearest to Ruby with an enzuigiri. As VIta fell down, Ruby kipped up and helped her back to her feet. The banana-lime blur then hopped on Vita’s shoulders before hitting her with a high angle hurricanrana that sent her shooting forward but not down, giving her extra momentum for a short-range spear that knocked the wind out of another hostile. The Pink Mist grinned.

The Pink Mist: “Cool! I just speared that guy from out of nowhere!”

Ruby: ”Less talking!”

Ruby closed in on Vita and super-punched the guy who was about to hit her with a taser. He was dazed and Ruby grabbed him by the head.

Ruby: ”Knees!”

Understanding the message, VIta laid down on her back and held her knees up before Ruby lifted the man into a fireman’s carry and dropping him face-first on VIta’s rock-hard kneecaps. The two remaining assailants were then easily dispatched with a simple elbow to the forehead.

VIta laughed and clapped.

The Pink Mist: “Whoa that was awesome! We totally kicked their butts!!”

Ruby wasn’t quite as happy though. She walked over to Vita and pricked a finger in her chest. (Not the soft bits, you pervs)

Ruby: ”That… was dangerous and irresponsible! And way riskier than it should’ve been!”

The Pink Mist: “Oh come on, we were never in any real danger. Face it, we’re good!”

Ruby: ”Yes, we’re good. And we fought well, I’ll admit. But you? You could be great! If you only screwed your head on straight! So why don’t you? You’re a good kid, Vita, but sometimes you could do with a bit of growing up! A LOT of the times, in fact.”

The Pink Mist: “What’re you getting mad at me for? We stopped them, didn’t we? And we didn’t kill anybody...”

Vita quickly looked around.

The Pink Mist: “...did we?”

Ruby sighed. She was conflicted, because Vita wasn’t WRONG per se. She’d fought well, and they’d done a good thing tonight. Not in the way that Ruby necessarily would’ve preferred, but if nothing else she’d shown her that she was easy to fight alongside: quick, intuitive and reliable. And for the Lethal Lottery? That was probably enough. And yeah, they hadn’t killed anybody, which was an upgrade on the fake scenario back at the warehouse.

VIta casually looked at the boxes, cracking one of them open and retrieving a bottle.

The Pink Mist: “What’s this? Baboon hormones?”

Ruby snatched the bottle from her hands.

Ruby: ”You’re NOT giving that to Noah as a souvenir! I think he does very well without.”

The Pink Mist: “How about this set of aardvark balls? They help with bacné, it says here.”

Ruby: ”Nope. Going to the authorities, same as the rest!”

VIta looked disappointed.Ruby felt a bit bad, and wanted to buy her ice cream instead, but maybe realized that in order to have Vita stop acting like a child, it was time to stop treating her as one.

Ruby: ”Look. Ya did good. Real good. Sorry if I seem grumpy or ungrateful. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you and I are tagging. Promise me we’ll meet in the finals so we can kick the bejeesus out of each other?”

Ruby extended her hand.

The Pink Mist: “Ya know, I didn’t expect this to happen when I first set out to find you... I just needed you to help me get to the finals… But… you’re actually a pretty cool person...”

Vita looked down at Ruby’s outstretched hand for a second and then up to her eyes.

The Pink Mist: “If we make it that far, it’ll be an honor!!”

Vita grasped her hand and pulled Ruby in close for that masculine 80’s action star bicep flexing handshake like the one at the beginning of The Predator.



Yeah, that one!!