[[ - Let's get groovy, shall we? - ]]



[[ - Music? Check. A sexy narrator for this sexy tale of a sexy individual? Yup. And of course, the most important ingredient of this recipe is your protagonist. We see a shotty looking studio, with a desk and TV Monitor behind it, with multiple cameras pointing at the scene. As the beady eyes of you little munchkins are glued to the screen, a voice begins to echo through.- ]]

A Voice So Sexy You're Literally CUMMING RIGHT NOW!
Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR HOST FOR THE KINKY REPORT, LIVE AND IN LIVING COLOR... MICKEYYYYYYY KIIIIIIIINKAAAAAADE!



[[ - "Bitches" from Mindless Self Indulgence's second studio album, "Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy ", plays as The Kink himself struts on out in a gucci suit and cocky grin, as a generic cheer plays, causing Mickey to sink it in, almost shocked by the praise his loyal audience is giving him. - ]]

Mickey Kinkade
Thank you! Thank YOU! Hahaha! Wow!

[[ - He claps with a fake smile on his face, letting the noise drown out as he takes a sit in his luxorious pink office chair, looking over some papers on his desk before looking up at the hard cam.- ]]



Mickey Kinkade
We put the COME in Welcome here at The Kinky Report, hosted by the Sickest Bitch In The West Himself, Mickey Kinkade. Now friends, family, I don't need to tell you the obvious reason you're all gathered here today. You've all heard the news of the XWF sign some pretty big names over the last few months, from that nasty little fuck Christian Morphine, to The Legend On Diealis, Clint Fatwood. But let's get real for a second, you sexy fucks know The Addictive One is packing the most heat not only in his pants, but in his name.

[[ - Generic cheers!- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
Really, you're all just too kind! But unexpectedly, a man such as myself has haters. Most of them are jealous, all of them are ugly. Which is why today, we're going to examine just a few of the most rancid of what I like to call, Ball Leachers.

[[ - Generic laughter! This show's got it ALL!- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
Yup, BALL LEACHERS! Because the fact is, they all are tryng to leach off of what I am. Sexy, determined, and just so much fuckin' better then them. I've seen people with self-consciousness, but some of these hoes are straight up DESPERATE for my attention! So, being the gracious host I am, I'll give these fuckers their attention!

[[ - Even LOUDER generic cheers! This guy has this totally real and legitimate crowd in the palm of his hand, while in the other, he has a remote that, with a push of a button, SHOWS A HORRIFYING IMAGE!- ]]




Mickey Kinkade
FUCK that is UG-LY! I've never seen such a whiney bitch in my LIFE! You can tell just by the mohawk on his head how he really wants to show us how ANGRY he is! I'm terrified, truely.

[[ - A smirk could be seen on the face of this charismatic host, as he let the monitor behind him play highlights of one of his oppenent's dog-shit excuse of "wrestling". - ]]

Mickey Kinkade
A wannabe rebel from Glasglow who's only been in the XWF for a literally a month, Dean Rose is the definition of what the cool kids would call "cringe", and some may even say, "based". While I have no idea what either of those terms mean, it's pretty clear that he is, a certified BALL LEACHER. When you're born with a fucked up face like Dean's, it's hard not to be jealous of someone as beautiful as me.

[[ - Mickey blows a kiss in the air, with a realistic recreation to how any women (or hell, man) would react seeing this playing on the side.- ]]



Mickey Kinkade
But hey, just because he was born with a deformed face, doesn't mean I completely dislike him. To be honest with you, I didn't even know he existed until I saw that he was participating in the "I'm Here To Suck Off Mickey Kinkade Battle Royal". In fact, he's an inspiration! If any of you fans out there currently suffer from the traumatic experience of being dropped on your baby multiple times as an infant, you too can still succeed in life! Let's give him a rand of applause!

[[ - How can you hate such a wholesome man like Mickey? The man's a class act, clapping his hands... until...- ]]

HEY!



[[ - The shittiest theme to ever grace the ears of the human species is on full blast, as Mickey looks to his left in suprise, mouthing "wow" like Owen Wilson, as a man twice the size of Mickey walks out to Dean Rose's theme... and to be honest? IT MIGHT JUST BE THE MAN HIMSELF! - ]]



"Dean Rose"
i'm gonna keep this short and simple, at march madness you are doa. dead on arrival.

[[ - Mickey raised an eyebrow out of confusion, as "Dean Rose" held in his hand a toy version of the Internet Championship. He has a shitty mohawk, so it must be the real deal, right? There's some awkward silence as "Dean's" gaze was endless.- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
... Anything else? Or?....

"Dean Rose"
i'm a legendary new superstar, your time is up.

[[ - A large "woaaaah" is heard, as Mickey sighs, standing up and looking towards "Dean Rose", who's face turned pale, realizing what he's done.- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
Listen here you illiterate fuck, The Kink's out here, doing his thang, stylin' and profilin', and you decide to come out here, on MY show, with THAT dead title?

[[ - He pointed at the toy championship, that was shaking in the hand of this fake Dean Rose, who's whole body was in shivers at the awesome aura of The Kink.- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
I do you the decencey of talking about YOU, ON MY SHOW, and you try to throw out some petty threats? You. Ain't. SHIT! BITCH! That title you've got is more worn out then Betty White's pussy, it's only appropiate someone like YOU has it! You haven't done shit in the XWF besides pin someone even more fuckin' clueless then you, shit, you can't even cut a five minute promo you skank. I'M GIVIN' YOU YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME RIGHT HERE! Be humble biiiiiitch, and get the FUCK outta here!

[[ - The crowd ROARS in approval of Mickey taking down this BULLY! So brave, so handsome... so God damn sexy. "Dean Rose" is on the verge of tears as his career flashes before his eyes, running away as piss drips from his pants onto Kinkade's studio floor, leaving the obvious winner of The Second Chance Battle Royal to sit back down in his chair, readjusting his tie.- ]]

Mickey Kinkade
That's all of the time we have today folks, be sure to tune in next time to see me verbally fuck another member of The Second Chance Battle Royal so hard their hypothetical asshole is blown out! Terry Borden? Demos? WHO KNOWS! Until next time folks, I'm Mickey Kinkade, and you've been addicted!



OOC: 1, 174 Words.
Edit: Fixed some coding.

Overall W/L/D Record: 1-2-0
XWF W/L/D Record: 1-2-0
Last Match: vs. Ash Quinn in an Xtreme Rules Match (Warfare)
Upcoming Match(s): vs. King Doc Battle Royal (MAYDAY! At Ye' Ole' Commune!), vs. Jordan Knoxville (Warfare)
Titles Currently Holding: N/A
Titles Held: N/A
Accomplishments: 1x Quote Of The Moment (3/13/21), Told Chris Page to Suck My Dick (4/7/21)