Robbie Bourbon defends his status as the Warfare MVP every Warfare.

He recently met a young woman named Fuchsia in space and brought her back to Earth.

INTERSTELLAR

Inside Robbie's office, we see Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, Guy Fieri, right mayor of Flavortown, and Ash, Robbie's stylist, all crowded together on the couch. Robbie is nowhere to be seen. At his desk is Robo-Rob, the robot from Rocky IV painted to look like it's wearing a Robbie Bourbon mask.

I thought Robbie called a meeting.

He did. He left the robot as a surrogate.

Where is he?

Happy Birthday, Paulie.

Robbie walks into the office. Alongside him is Fuchsia, rockin' space babe, who is still fuchsia but is now dressed in jeans and a t-shirt instead of her golden space babe bikini.

Hey guys!

Why did you need to hold a meeting?

Well, as you know, Fuchsia was off of earth for seven whole years, and now that she's here I wanted to go over a few things that I think you'll find really exciting. For starters, Fuchsia came back to earth in 2020, so you guys know what that means.

The assembled Bourbon Men look at each other dourly.

Uh, wear a mask.

Yeah, there's a global pandemic.

Yup. And Donald Trump is the president.

It leaves a bitter taste in a lot of mouths.

Actually, Robbie, it was pretty fucked up of you to bring her back to Earth now, I think a lot of people would find being in space preferable right now.

Robbie smirks and looks at Fuchsia.

Yeah, Earth is still pretty shitty. I'm glad I came back, though. I wanted to. But, if you think Earth is really kinda terrible at the moment then we have exciting news!

Really?

Yup. Having looked back at the last seven years, seeing the only stuff that happened was a pandemic, President Trump, a dead gorilla in Cincinnati, the most terrible pop music ever, the epic let down that was Avengers: Endgame, the epic let down that was Justice League, a shit ton of movies lauding white people as black people's saviors, late night TV becoming flooded with contrived and boring repetition of memes already spotted on Facebook, anti-vaxxers, flat-earthers, and all sorts of other stupid shit, we figured maybe it was high time we took a spin into the stars, let the world heal up.

Really?

Yup. Gaia, Mother Earth, get well soon...

Robbie, Fuchsia, the Bourbon Men, the couch they were seated on, and Robo-Rob, all phase out, just like in Star Trek, and are next seen aboard the ship that Robbie hijacked commandeered to get home and defend his MVP Medallion in Paris.

We'll be back next Wednesday in Munich.

Fucking sweet.

Yeah, do we get really poofy looking uniforms to wear, with shoulder pads and no visible buttons or zippers but there's no way we're just wearing pullovers?

Ooh, are there lots of crazy alien civilizations out there that'll serve as analogues to the issues we face already here on Earth so we can tell parables?

Guys, guys, take it easy, there'll be plenty of opportunities for us to delve into all of that.

What kinds of flavors are out there in space? Is space food any good?

Don't eat space bacon. Like, that's the greatest gift Earth has given the Universe, bacon.

Hrmm.

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Welp, looks like it's time to get cooking once again.

Warfare MVP does as they should, showing up to Warfare week in, week out, to pummel the brains out of whatever the brass feels like giving to me.

There's Lynx, the big pussy.

Then there's Charlie Nickles, the mad dog.

And I'm Robbie Bourbon, here to remind you that I'll spay and neuter them to control the pet population.

Let's talk 'once in a generation'.

There's Lynx, the once in a generation superstar that has the grace, speed, and savvy of a house cat. However, I will utterly decimate a fucking house cat in a wrestling match. Sure, the scratches and bites will do something, but make me tap out? I don't really think so.

There's Charlie, the once in a generation degenerate piece of trash who thinks his contrived nonsense is intimidating and fear inducing by any stretch of the imagination. Charlie thinks awfully highly of himself, and that's great, at least someone does, because Charlie is violent, and mean, and sadistic, but has a face like a homeless man's asshole.

Seriously, Charlie, out of the three of us, you need a mask the most. Phew. When you were born the doctor smacked your mother. Then your father. Fortunately, your family tree wasn't too far branching, a couple of loops here and there, because he conveniently smacked your grandfather and uncle at the same time when he smacked your daddy.

Charlie is so ugly when he wants to scare kids at Halloween he just needs to turn the lights up. No wonder your wife left you, she didn't just run out of fucks to give, she ran out of pity fucks to give.

Charlie gets ready for a date by pulling cash from the ATM and hoping a hooker responds to his texts, knowing they're going to charge him double.

And we all know that's what Charlie is working for. It's not to provide for his kids. The greatest thing he ever did for them was move out.

Welp, I'm sure we'll have lots to discuss here in a bit, so I'll be brief and end it for now.

As for making someone tap out, shit, I guess I'll just pop one of your skulls like a zit, that Phrenology Claw is downright vicious. Not very technical, but considering I'm literally going to be crushing your brain, either nonexistent like Lynx's or rotten and useless like Charlie's, I'd say it's effective.