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Centurion · (01-02-2021)

(The run of bad luck within the confines of the XWF continues for Centurion, as he is just coming off a loss to rookie sensation Betsy Granger in a Canadian Rules match. The loss was disappointing, but this is professional wrestling, which means you have to shrug off disappointment as quickly as possible.

For Centurion, that means finding a way to defeat The Wizard on the next episode of Saturday Night Savage.

There is one slight problem with that, though – Centurion doesn’t know anything about his upcoming opponent. All he knows is the information he has received from the XWF roster page, and the little amount of footage he has been given of his recent matches and promos. With everything else being an unknown, Centurion needed to figure out what he was up against.

That means reaching out to some rather…unusual sources.

We open up inside Adventure Games in a suburb outside of Chicago, Illinois. There, we see the place filled with all sorts of things to make a nerd oasis – table top games, tables to play said games, various decks of cards in different display cases, large strategy books, and other various items made for roleplay games. The front door opens, and in walks Centurion and Ruby. Centurion is wearing a suit, black mask, and sunglasses. Ruby is…not exactly subtle. She is wearing a “Super Dear-O” T-shirt and a pair of lime and yellow pants, with a lime green Ruby brand mask over her mouth and nose. Centurion and Ruby both look around the room at the various items.)

Centurion: I haven’t been in one of these shops in years.

Ruby: I haven’t been in one of these shops in…weeks.

(They both glance around the room and see that there are no customers – the only other people in the building are a young man standing behind the counter, where a cash register sits on top of a glass display, and various high-priced cards sit underneath it. There is also another young man off into a room behind the counter, barely within sight of the main gaming area.)

Ruby: Alright, let’s take a look around. I’m sure there are several books that will give you all the information you need. I’ll go up and ask the guy some questions. Maybe he can point us in the right direction.

(Ruby takes a couple of steps toward the counter, but before she reaches the man, she sees a wooden staircase in the back of the shop. Next to it is a hand-written sign on a piece of loose-leaf paper – “Comics -->” with the arrow pointing up the steps. She turns back toward Centurion and give him the “sad eyes”.)

Centurion: Go.

Ruby: Yay!

(Ruby does a quick hop before bolting up the stairs. Centurion walks up to the counter and leans against the glass as the man, looking somewhat disinterested, straightens himself up.)

Cashier: Hey, how can I help you?

Centurion: I’m looking for information on wizards.

(The man’s expression barely changes, but he does blink a few times as a sign that he is slightly confused, and perhaps misheard what Centurion just said.)

Cashier: Excuse me?

Centurion: I’m looking for books, encyclopedias, any information you have here about wizards. I was told you would be the experts on this.

(The cashier looks dumbfounded for a few seconds before giving his head a quick shake. His tired, stoned expression changes to a confused, stoned expression as he leans forward and places his hands against the glass of the counter.)

Cashier: Ok, what kind of wizard?

Centurion: See, I have no idea. That’s the problem. I’m fighting this guy next week, who just calls himself “The Wizard”. He might be a wizard, or a dude playing a wizard, or a dude who THINKS he’s a wizard – I honestly couldn’t tell you. All I know is the dude has a staff, big hat, beard, looks to be about a thousand years old.

Cashier: Ok, so…let me try and figure this out. You came here because you’re looking for information on “wizards” in general because you’re fighting an old man who may or may not be cosplaying as a wizard?

Centurion: …yes.

Cashier: …Terry!

(The man in the back room comes walking out. The man is likely in his early 30’s, with a long red beard. He stands about 6’5” with a bulky frame, and is wearing a shirt that reads “Goku > Superman”. Before the cashier or Centurion can say anything, the man, previously identified as Terry, begins to speak.)

Terry: He’s not just any wizard. He’s The Wizard. Just got out of prison, is on a bit of a hot streak, and while it was initially thought that he was just a delusional man, he has actually shown some magical capabilities. Oh, and he isn’t nearly as old as you think he is.

(Terry walks up to the counter and stands next to the cashier, right in front of Centurion.)

Centurion: You’re a wrestling fan?

Terry: Oh course, I’m a nerd. And you’re Centurion. You’re my third favorite wrestler.

(Terry extends a hand across the counter. Centurion shakes it, but he also raises an eyebrow in response to Terry’s comments.)

Centurion: Who are your top 2?

Terry: Thaddeus Duke and “Broken” Oswald Autem.

Centurion: Oswald?! That mother f…

(Centurion looks to rant, but he stops himself, knowing that he’s in a room with fans and it would absolutely be a bad look. Instead, Centurion just takes a deep breath as he takes off his sunglasses and puts them in his jacket pocket.)

Terry: Come on, let me show you some things that might help you.

(Terry walks out from behind the counter and escorts Centurion to one of the walls, which includes shelves filled with books. The books are all about various mythical creatures – Faeries, mermaids, vampires, etc. Terry looks over the spines of each book as he talks to Centurion.)

Terry: You know, when Gary Gygax created Dungeons & Dragons, he said he took inspiration from old stories and used them to create various classes and creations. Many say those early stories weren’t really fiction – that Enid Blyton actually saw a lot of the things he wrote about. That his fantasy stories weren’t fantasy at all, but rather documentaries. That’s why people still see sighting of Fae and other mythical creatures today.

Centurion: So…what are you saying?

Terry: I’m saying The Wizard…is probably A Wizard!

(Terry stops at one of the books on the shelf and pulls it out. The book is a strategy guide called “Wizard Slayer” for Baldur’s Gate. He hands it over to Centurion and pats the top cover of it.)

Terry: You want to know how to kill a wizard? This will tell you.

Centurion: What? I’m not looking to kill the dude. I just want to win a wrestling match.

Terry: Sure, and that’s fine…if you’re a pussy. But wizards won’t just let you pin them. You have to take them out of the head. Prevent them from being able to do anything. All of your answers are in this book.

(Centurion looks down at the book, and opens the inside cover. He raises another eyebrow as he flips through some pages.)

Centurion: …this is about a game.

Terry: No, that’s only what it’s MARKETED as! No random schlub off the street is going to walk in and ask for ways to kill REAL wizards. So they had to hide the strategies within these books. It’s still a capitalistic society, after all. Trust me, these are the real deal. You want to slay a mother fucker, you read this.

(Centurion goes to say more, but before he can, the sound of footsteps down the crickity old stairs can be heard. Stepping down from upstairs is Ruby, who has a bundle of comic books in her hand. He just glances over at Centurion and gives a wry smile – at least, it would be a wry smile if it could be seen. Centurion just lets out a slight laugh as he shakes his head.)

Terry; You’re daughter is adorable, by the way.

------Warrior’s That Terrify------

This business is starting to get really fucking weird.

Back in the day, all the new young, up and comers looked pretty much the same. They were all muscled up tattoo’d dudes with long hair that smelled like curry. And once and a while, one of those wrestlers would break away from the pack. That was when they started to get their own voice and develop into their own persona. It’s a lot like dating – you don’t show all your trauma on the first date. You try to be as plain and cookie cutter as possible. Then, when you start to hit it off and you get more comfortable, that’s when you actually show off the real you. That was how it was always done.

And, for the most part, I assumed that still held true. A lot of the folks in UGWC were already established. Those that weren’t fit the same mold of a young star looking to make inroads in this business. In the XWF, I face Corey Smith, who is a new star, despite…not…because he was also someone else…whatever, anyway, you look at Corey, and you see a good wrestler, but you don’t see a “gimmick”. He’s still holding a few things back because he hasn’t established a complete foothold in this place yet.

Same can be said for Betsy. Great wrestler with a giant future, but you can tell she’s working on her ring work before she tries to become a “personality”. No reason to let everyone know exactly who you are or what you are so early in your career.

Then…I get to my next match. And all week, I’ve heard “you gotta watch out for this guy. He’s a star in the making. He’s going to be a champion one day, you just watch”. And then I take a look…

…and he’s a fucking wizard!

Talk about jumping right into it! There was no “hi, I’m Bob, and I’m looking to become a wrestler” stage of his career. No, he just shows up to the building, big ass hat and all, and says “sign me”, and the place signs him! And not only do they sign him, apparently without taking some sort of mental health exam, but he happens to do rather well – well enough to make a name for himself and get people to tell me to watch out for him.

What the hell is going on around here?!

Now, look, it’s not like “characters” haven’t existed in the XWF before. Not EVERY new wrestler had to follow the same cut and paste routine. There were plenty of wrestlers who showed up looking weird as hell, saying weird things, and just generally being an insane person with a strange costume.

But those people were never contenders!

The closest thing to a “character” that actually did well in the XWF was Killjoy – and let’s be honest, it wasn’t like he was ACTUALLY any good. I know he’s a legend, but he’s a legend because he was around for a decent amount of time and he sold a shit ton of merch. Seriously, between him and the Clowns, there wasn’t a week where I wouldn’t see a bunch of kids wearing their t-shirts. So I understand giving them a bit of recognition for their ability to make the XWF money and for being able to stick around past the time when they probably should have been worn out.

But that’s all they were for. They were there to be in an opening match, get the crowd hyped, get the children to buy some do-dads and be all excited for the show, and then they exited stage right. When the championship matches started, it was either the muscle bound steroid freaks, the meth’d up insane kids who would jump out of a plane if it meant winning a match, or the really spooky wannabe horror movie villains who used a thesaurus to speak and enjoyed looking at pictures of crime scenes of serial killers. You sure as hell would have never seen The Wizard competing in a big match back in the “old XWF”!

Then again…you never would have seen Sarah Lacklan or Thaddeus Duke as champions in the old XWF, either. Not because they are without talent, but because the didn’t fit the “mold”. Duke would have been in the Hart and Canadian Division his entire time in the XWF, no matter how good he was, and Sarah Lacklan would likely have been fired the moment she refused to film herself having sex with her wife and potentially another member of the roster that Jon Brown had a crush on.

So I don’t want this to sound like I’m saying this place sucks now and that “it was so much better in the old days!” That’s not what I’m saying at all. In fact, I can make the argument that things are better now than they ever were in the old days, and someone like The Wizard, despite his…unique…approach to things, being able to compete at a high level in the XWF is good for the business. It eliminates the old stereotypes and it gives fans choices to believe in. If you want to be dark and spooky and spend most of your time hanging out at a rave with a spiked collar and chain wallet, then The Left Hand is perfect for you. If you want to beat your wife and skip out on child support and spend most of your day driving a truck with opioids in the back, then you can be a huge fan of Charlie Nickels. And if you’re a giant nerd who plays video games and binge watches anime on Saturday evenings, then The Wizard is your man.

And if you’re a fan of old school wrestling, then I’m still here…though, I admit, I haven’t given you much to root for lately.

That’s why The Wizard is in a real tough spot this week. Under any normal circumstance, I could sit here and laugh at him. “Hey, look, a dude dressed as a Wizard, isn’t that something?” I could chuckle and talk about how much of a legend I am and how I’m going to destroy him, and it’s that false sense of security that could lull me into mistakes. I’ve seen it done. Hell, I’ve done it to myself on numerous occasions.

But I have not had a string of good luck lately, and I NEED to get back on the winning train. And that means this match against The Wizard has switched from a fun novelty match to a must win situation for an XWF Legend. This is no longer for the fun. This has become a necessity.

Because of that, I can’t look at you as a joke. I can’t just glance at your ridiculous outfit and wave you off as some sort of chump. I have to prepare for you the same way I would prepare to fight Shawn Warstein. I have to go in, giving it everything I’ve got, making sure I leave absolutely no doubt that I am still a force to be reckoned with, even if my recent record says otherwise.

That’s bad news for you, Wizard. And I’m sure you know it. Because now, instead of relying on some silly tricks, you’re actually going to have to out wrestle me…and I don’t think you can do that. Sure, I said that about Dolly Waters, and I said that about Betsy Granger. But here’s the thing.

You’re neither Dolly Waters NOR are you Betsy Granger. You’re not as good as either of them. You’re mediocre, at best. And mediocrity just isn’t going to cut it this week.

I really wish you were facing me when I was on my winning streak. I wish you weren’t facing me with my back up against the wall. We could have had a lot of fun. The back and forth would have been hilarious, and we could have wrestled in some fantasy land match that made everyone in the internet wrestling community cream their pants. But that’s not going to happen this week. Instead, we’re going to have a basic wrestling match. You’re going to try to match up against me. And you’re going to meet your…

FINAL FANTASY!!!

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