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Guppy Parsh · (02-03-2017)

[February 1st, 2017]

"Get the fuck out of my house."

"But moooooooom,"

"No buts, get the fuck out of here. 18 miserable fucking years. No more. I'm taking my life back, starting today."

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"I don't know. Go live under a bridge. You're ugly enough to be a troll."

"25% of homeless people are women! That's so horrible! Why are you trying to make it worse!"

"Why are you still here? This isn't a discussion. Do I need to call the police?"

"Fine, I'll leave and go starve in the streets," then the ugly adult leaves her mom's house.

"Spring cleaning came early this year," says the ex-fat woman as she watches her daughter go. She looks around her house and loves how roomy it feels. Now she can masturbate in any room and no one will walk in on her. She's just about to grab her dildo when her landline rings.

"Hello?"

"Hi! It's Guppy! Remember me?"

"Yes! You helped me bring that piece of shit into the world."

"I did! Germeania! How is she?"

"She's gone, hopefully she's getting raped on a pinball machine somewhere."

"Good one, but I don't think rape jokes are funny anymore."

"Whatever..."

"Will you tell her that Uncle Guppy says happy birthday?"

"No, I kicked her dumb ass out and hopefully I'll never see her again."

"Dumb? But you went to museums while you were preggers! My wife did that too and now my daughter is super smart!"

"Lucky you, you have a wife. It turns out single parents get stuck with

kids."

"Were you this mean to her all the time?"

"What do you mean?"

"Happy homes are good for kids!"

"Pfft. I was a great mom, how dare you imply that I wasn't."

"I did-,"

"Kill yourself," then she hangs up.

Guppy hangs up his BatPhone then he turns to his wife (or the clone of his wife, I can't tell), "I'm going to go back home for a few days. Don't leave the house without mace and a pair of Anti-Rape underwear."

"Hold on, I need to talk to you about something."

"About what?"

"How come you never told me you're not really Batman. That you're just pretending."

"I'm not pretending."

"You told me that Irish people are always honest. McBride is Irish and he says you're not Batman."

"I have gadgets, I have a BatSuit, and I kill people. I'm the realest Batman there ever was, Stevella."

"So McBride isn't really Irish?"

"No, McBride is just telling his truth. He is being honest. That's what he believes. I watched his promo too," says Guppy, though even a toddler had an attention span long enough to say that with complete honesty.

"So he really thinks you're cute?" says Stevella suddenly giving off these really weird jealous possessive vibes.

"Everyone does, but he thinks I'm cute for a different reason then everyone else. It's obvious he's jealous of me."

"What do you mean?"

"He wishes he had a best friend worth fighting for. He wishes he was as good of a friend to Peter as I am to Thomas. He doesn't even know it, but I do."

"Wait, how do you know he's jelly if he doesn't even know?"

"He says I'm a failed killer, even though I killed his best friend. He says I'm not Batman even though I'm the closest thing to Batman there ever was. He thinks I'll stumble when I limb a ladder, when I climb buildings all the time. You're not supposed to climb on those usually. He says I have a sense of justice, but the only justice I truly seek is for rape-victims and lizards."

"So he's lying? But he's Irish?"

"He's drunk. Usually alcohol makes you more honest, but that's only if potatoes can grow in your country."

"So, the alcohol made him lie?"

"No, he just knows nothing about me or what I've been doing, but then he shot a 30 second promo anyway. He sees my title, he sees that I'm Batman, he sees that Nixon and I better friends than him and Peter are, and the jealousy overtakes him. He starts saying anything to prove he's better than me. That he's real and I'm faking it. That I'm cute for standing up for Nixon when he was too afraid of me to stand up for Peter. That I'm so virtuously for justice when I kill rapists without holding a trial."

"He's telling half-truths?"

"You're close. He didn't mean to lie, but the truth came out. The truth, that he's been lying to himself."

"But you said he was telling the truth?"

"He was telling the truth. About lying. When people lie they always tell the truth about something else. You just have to be a good detective to figure out what that is."

"You really are Batman. I guess McBride's promo was jus-,"

"Fake news. It was fake news. He made that promo solely for himself. He didn't expect anyone to get anything of value out of it."

"But he thinks you're cute."

"He knows I'm sexy."

"We're not doing this. Are you sure you have to leave?"

"Yes, I just got off the phone with my Goddaughter's mom and she seemed to not care if Germeania gets raped, so I'm going to kill rapists in my hometown until I have to fly to Texas for my match."

"Okay, thanks for killing the rapists around here! Good luck in Washington

Elementary with their rapists!"

His wife gives him a kiss on the cheek and Guppy runs off to get into his BatPlane.

Meanwhile...

Germeania slams the front door shut and takes one last glance at her front yard, knowing that if she ever returned she could be arrested for trespassing.

"I can't believe her! She's a cunt!"

She doesn't even notice the man in a trench coat staring a hole through her, not that she'd be able to identify him from this far away.

The trench coated figure seems to be distressed actually, not at all like the last time we saw him 18 years ago.

"She's ugly as fuck. Should I still go through with this?" he asks himself, "Well if we make a

baby I won't have to take care of it," he concludes.

Germeania starts to walk off in a random direction, having no idea where homeless people are even supposed to go. She's literally shaking right now. She is already completely helpless.

"Now's the perfect time to swoop in!" the trench coat wearing guy throws off his trench coat and gets into his pick-up truck. He drives about 50 feet before he pulls up next to the scared lonely girl and rolls down his window.

"Hey, the name's....."

It dawns on him that she might know his real name.

"Brent Toymooda. You look lost."

"That sounds kind of like my dead-beat dad's name."

"I get that a lot. Do you need a ride?"

"I guess."

"Are you headed anywhere in particular?"

"No, I don't know any of the good places for homeless people to hang out at."

"How about under a bridge?"

"That's where trolls live. I've never even used the Internet before."

"You're funny." Butch Toyoda unlocks the car door, "Climb on in. I have candy."

Germeania opens the car door and sits down. She reaches for her seat belt, but flying through the windshield to her death sounds appealing right now so she doesn't bother with it. Then she starts looking around the interior of the truck.

"Where's the candy?"

Butch Toyoda starts the truck and starts driving north down the street.

"There's no candy. I was making a joke about child abduction."

"It's 2017, lay off those please."

"You could suck on something else if you want."

Germeania rolls her eyes, "Maybe getting into a stranger's car because he said there was candy was a bad idea."

"I'm joking. So you got no where to go, right?"

"Right."

"And you've got nobody else. You're all arone in the world."

"Right...I don't know why you pretended to be Asian just now."

"I was referencing Thoroughly Modern Millie."

"I don't know what that is. Sounds lame."

"Don't kids like musicals now?"

"Only Hamilton."

The driver pauses for a moment. He tries not to think about how ugly she is. It's been too long to care about that. It's time to turn on that Butch Toyoda 'charm'.

"Whatever, as I was saying, you've got no where to go and no one waiting up for you...do you want to go to my place and fuck?"

Germeania gives the 40 year old fat dude that said that to her a once over. "You're gross, maybe if you take a shower or something."

Butch tenses up, he had his reservations about banging this girl, and now she expects him to shower? Him? Butch Toyoda? The baddest man in any bar? The baddest man in any car? The filthiest fuck in every truck? This ugly fucking bitch had no idea who she was dealing with.

"No more Mr. Nice Guy," says Butch.

"Did you really just say that? You're such a cliche."

"Shut up, you're ugly as shit and need to learn to take what you can get. I know what league I'm in. That's why you're in my truck. It looks like you need to learn this lesson the hard way. Fuck me or I'll kill your mom."

She was literally shaking before this "Brent Toymooda" showed up, but now that she's been in this guy's truck and seen how much of a out of touch goofball he is Germeania was calmer than she ever thought she would be. Maybe this man can be useful to her.

"I have a better idea. Kill my mom and I'll fuck you."

Guppy fin.

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