Oh. Shit. My. NIGGA. Here we go!

We fade in from that deep dank darkness - shit darker den da heart of a muhfukkkin Aryan Brotherhood lookin' ass negro rockin' a Black Panther tattoo with swastikas for eyes 'n shit - to da always goofy as FUCK lookin' mug 'a da one, da only, Shaun "Nigga" Crowe. Dis dude's dressed to da fukkkin 3 1/2s wid one 'a dem T-shirts that are supposed ta look like a tuxedo but instead look like a who ain't showered in three days and a pair 'a cargo pants courtesy 'a da hashtag REAL NIGGA HOOKUP aka da fukkkin army surplus store in Davenport's East Village. Behind da wigger 'a da hour dere's a big ass Confederate flag and in front 'a him dere's a muhfuckin podium 'n shit wit' a classic limited-edition Donald Trump "Make White America Dank Again" snapback sittin' next to da fukkkin microphone.

"Ladies and juh-juh-juh-gentlemen..."

S to da H to da A to da U to da N pauses 'n takes a big ass breath before leaning into the mic.

"IT'S YA BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Da stock-ass TV studio canned applause plays loudly 'n poorly mixed while Shaun screams his fukkkin head off like he do, flailin' around 'n spazzin' like he's on dat SethRollins.meme grind. He snatches da fukkkin snapback 'n tries ta put it on his head while still spazzin' and screamin', only succeedin' in coverin' his face wit' it for a couple glorious seconds. He fixes dat shit right quick doe and leans over da podium again as da fake applause cuts abruptly.

"Aight aight aight settle down my nigz. Dere's enough 'a YA BOI ta go around, buhleedat. But right now? Now I gots ta talk about somethin' near 'n fuckin' dear to my heart. Y'all can see from dis vintage ass snapback on my head dat me 'n Donald Trump - or as I know him 'El Senior de la Dank' - go way dafukkk bakkk. 'N I'm here ta tell the Donald one thing: my nigga, I'm ready. Ready ta be ya real running mate my fukkkin dude. Fuck a Mike Pence."

Shaun leans forward, showin' off da dankest snapback of all da fukkkin times and flashes his aluminum foil grill for da camera.

"Has dere eva been a VP as dank as me? Nah nigga - I mean Spiro Agnew was a real gangsta ass nigga and a man's VP but even den he couldn't hold a muhfuckin candle to da swag dat flows through my body on da fukkkin daily."

Cut back ta da last reel nigga piece 'a promotional work da wigger prince put out - right ta da clip 'a him smokin' da FLAKKA dat graced him wit' da ability ta fly. Dat shit's canon scrubs, best buhleedat.

"I mean lookatdatshit! I dun went 'n smoked da fukkkin FLAKKA. Did Mike Pence do dat shit? Nah nigga, he too busy sittin' in his office fuckin' himself wit' da Bible 'n tryna run gay conversion camps cuz he locked in da closet hashtag ."

Cue dat poorly mixed canned gasp noise.

"Das right I just called Mike Pence a fukkkin . WHO GON STOP ME? See D-boy? I'm da only runnin' mate for ya. Ya like ta talk mad shit about anyone 'n erryone and das what I do too! Plus I ain't gon need no secret fuckin' service cuz I can fight would-be assmans off on my fuckin own.

"Like dis nigga Chris Chaos. Whodafuccisdisnigga? I ain't got no fuckin' clue fam, he just apparited outta nowhere like one 'a dem fags from Harry Potter or some shit. Fuckin' added alliterative appeal lookin' ass fruitcake. Fuck a Chris Chaos. Fuck da whole fukkkin Chaos family to be honest; ain't nothin good evah come from a nigga named Chaos. It's like bein' named 'Schoolshootingfaggot' or 'Jose', fukkkin doomed for failure 'n shit.

"Whatdafukkisdisdudeanyway? Sum fukkkin anarchy for life who ain't grown up since da fukkkin eighth grade like nigga puh-leeze dat anarchy shit's a myth like global warming and women's rights. Anarchy is 'n always has been somethin' for lil niggas who ain't cool enough ta sit at da pop'lar kidz table and hate their parents too much ta just commit suicide. It's a fukkkin fantasy ta keep dumbshits like you steady packin dem Hot Topics. Fukkkin edgier-than-thou Jason Dean lookin' ass. Eat a bag 'a Colombian dicks. Get dat prehistoric Pablo Escobar semen up in ya system 'n help a nigga build a wall."

Shaun pauses ta take anotha big ass breath.

"But enough about dat Chaos dude, dis ain't about him nosiree. Nah, dis about me and Dankold Trump. And ta save some time I outlined some 'a da shit dat matters ta me, shit I'd go after right away as Vice Presidente.

"First of all: I can promise that as Vice President we will do something about the cult of Islam. And I don't mean defending dem like dis apologist nigga Osama bin-Obama. Nah nah, I plan on bein' tough on BOKO HARAMBE. I will personally make sure dat in four years, ISIS will be WASWAS. AND YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE DAT WE WILL BE LOOKING INTO ALL DA MUSLIMS, AND DAT OUR FINDINGS WILL DEFINITELY SUPPORT YOUR BIASES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO AREN'T AS WHITE AS YOU!"

Aw yeah baby nig hit dat low-quality studio applause clip.

"Secondly: we will build a big ass muhfuckin wall and ensure dat dem nasty ass beaneritos in Me-he-co will pay for it! Don't worry bout da fact dat dey can't even keep da cartels in line, dey totes gonna pay for dis wall. We'll Trumpdafukkkouttadem til dey do. No longer will you have ta deal wit' a gardener who cain't speak English; now ya can do dat shit yaself cuz ain't nobody gon mow ya lawn for tree-fiddy 'n a packet 'a Taco Bell hot sauce an hour.

"Third: WE GON CUT ALL DA TAXES. Supply-side economics izzzz just like Fallout 4 my nigz: it just works. Rich niggas gon spend all dat money dey not spendin' on taxes on stimulatin' da economy fo' shizzle.

"And lastly: we are gonna...

"MAKE WHITE AMERICA DANK AGAIN!"

DING!

Shaun looks down at his phone.

"Oh shit Frodes is comin' ta whoop my ass for the Harry Potter comment."

Shaun knocks the podium over and runs dafukkk away as we fade ta black. Don't worry White America; it's only temporary.