---

---

---

---

[REC]

[Chris is seen in the guest bedroom (which has way too many posters of bands, movies, and games to count) staring at the ceiling, wondering just how long his two friends are going to duke it out for. Last time he checked out the window to his left, they were still going at it. It looks like the sun is just about going down as the camera is rolling. He also looks really agitated at his friends, thinking that they shouldn't and probably couldn't be fighting for this long. He sighs as he lays down on his box spring bed, waiting for the fighting and arguing to stop.

Just then, two knocks can be heard on the door to his room. He looks over at it for a second before looking back at the camera. He reaches over and turns it towards the door, not wanting to miss that perfect shot of whoever enters his room.]

Christopher: Come on in.

[The door slowly opens to reveal his only known female friend, Alice, who looks badly battered from her brawl with Dustin, who probably looks even worse. He turns the camera back towards himself before she has a second to notice it was on. She walks over to her friend, who sits up and makes room for her on the bed. She sits down, that way we can see the extent of the beating. We can see a black eye, a small piece of tissue up her left nostril (which is almost completely drenched in blood), bruises all over her face and arms, and her hair has been pulled, probably so Dustin could keep punching her. She has a massive smile on her face as she looks at her friend, probably showing him that she won the fight.]

Alice: You think I look bad? Wait 'til you see Dustin. Fucker looks like he got cut all over his face!

[Alice laughs a bit. Chris, on the other hand, doesn't find that funny at all.]

Christopher: I still don't understand why you and Dustin have this grudge between you two. I mean, I know he called you out, but-

Alice: It's not just that he called me out Chris. He called me out because I wouldn't let him take a sip from my Jagermeister.

Christopher: Yeah, I remember that, and that was absolutely stupid, but I'd give him a second chance, ya know? Treat him with respect and he'll give it to ya right back.

[Alice appears to roll her eyes, not really buying what Chris is saying.]

Alice: Respect and Dustin don't go well together. Especially since I had to run away from everyone I knew after that.

[Chris, a little upset at her reasoning, sighs and shakes his head.]

Christopher: Look, I know you don't like the guy, but at least try to be nicer to him? He's changed quite a bit since you-

Alice: He didn't change at all, Chris. He's still the same fuckin' rat he was back then.

Christopher: Alice, no, he really isn't.

Alice: And why do you say that, huh? Did he suck your dick so good, you're defending his every little action!?

Christopher: Fuck no!

Alice: Then WHAT!?!?

[Chris takes a moment to keep himself from shouting her by taking a deep breath in and out. There is a pause that lasts for a whole ten seconds before he manages to say anything.]

Christopher: Dustin was a complete fuckin' mess after you left, Ally. He started drinking a lot and got himself expelled before he could finish senior year. I know you didn't expect anything more of him there, but then something happened that...I dunno, made me see my dad in him.

[Alice seems to be concerned as Chris brings up his father.]

Alice: Well what happened? How did you see your pops in him?

Christopher: He got into a wreck with some fucker driving a Jeep while going to get a pizza. It totaled his car and almost killed him. I got the news and rushed down to the nearest hospital...

[A single tear falls from his left eye.]

Christopher: There was so much glass in his face, Alice. I almost couldn't recognize him with all those shards. It wasn't until he said 'Chris' that I could figure it out.

[Alice isn't saying anything. She looks away from him for a brief moment and mouths 'holy shit' to no one in particular. When she turns back, Chris can be seen shedding another tear.]

Christopher: Doctors said that there was a 90% chance he'll die right there. I mean, I don't know how he managed to hang on, but he did. When I wheeled him out of that hospital...he said that he was going to change for the better. And you want ta know something, Alice? He did. He stopped drinking and he's a hell of a lot more helpful than he was back in high school.

Alice: Really?

Christopher: Uh-huh. And I'm sure that if you both gave each other another shot, things will be better for the both of you.

[Alice puts her hand on her chin, thinking if she should really trust Dustin enough to give her a second chance. There's a moment of nothing that passes for a while before Alice turns back to Chris, who has stopped shedding tears.]

Alice: It's not gonna be easy for me. You understand that, right?

[He nods.]

Alice: Alright then. I'll do it. I'm going to give him another chance. Just promise me one thing, will ya?

Christopher: What's that?

Alice: Keep me at bay, alright? I don't want to fight him anymore. Especially if it gets this bad.

Christopher: I'll try, Alice. I'll certainly give it my best effort.

[Alice smiles and they hug it out. Both of them keep the hug going for a long while as the scene fades to something completely different.]

---

---

Christopher: You know how people keep saying that an army of reptilian humanoids will eventually take over the world on YouTube comments? I mean, they've been theorized since the Illuminati theorists said that they existed. Well I gotta tell ya something, if one of their members is this fucker I'm fighting this coming Wednesday, I think it'll be safe to say there's no way they're gonna take us over. Of course you guys know I'm talking about tush. And of course, he's fucking pissed that I managed to end his streak of beating six absolute nobodies before I came along and put him out of his misery.

Ya know what, brah? Let's go ahead and look at that list of people you pinned before I take a look at that video of yours. I might as well give ya the benefit of the doubt in case those guys were really fuckin' tough, ya know?

[Chris is handed a sheet of paper by his friend, Dustin. He turns it over to see the list of people the Lounge Lizard eliminated from the gauntlet.]

Christopher: First, there's Billy Paladin. And to be honest, you did alright with him. Sure you almost lost by turning your back on him like a fucking moron, but you managed to get away with it. And then there was Brian Lance.

[Chris chuckles to himself before looking back at the camera.]

Christopher: This guy's biggest claim to fame was beating a number. Not much of an accomplishment there. Same with MacBeth, he's only recently most famous for drinking hobo piss. That's not really any accomplishment I'd be proud of, ya kna? But hey, for a former cripple, maybe you have different standards than many of us do. Since you have your legs back, however...no. Just...just no.

[He looks back at the list once more. He looks up real quick and starts to bust out in laughter. This continues for a little while longer until he starts to cough. When he finishes, he looks back up with a completely serious face...only to start laughing again. This also continues until he starts to cough. When he finishes clearing his throat, he looks back at the camera completely straight faced.]

Christopher: That was my impression of people who know that beating Captain Future wasn't a big deal. How'd I do everybody?

[Chris shows a little smile and winks at the camera before looking back at the list.]

Christopher: Okay, managing to roll up Socio after he fucking demolished ya was pretty impressive. Too bad I can't really say the same for Meme Machine. Hell, no one benefits from beating Meme Machine. It's like saying that you beat up a twelve year old, it only makes you look bad no matter what you do. I swear, that fat fuck shouldn't even be anywhere near the ring until he vomits up all his body fat.

[Chris proceeds to crumple the list of people up and throws it behind him.]

Christopher: So all in all, brah, you only have me a third impressed. Not really surprising me after ya shed your skin and all, ya kna? Well I think I've been stalling for long enough, let's tackle that video of yours.

[Dustin proceeds to load up the file for his friend to riff over.]

Dustin: Ya want me ta skip over the part where he mocks your name?

Christopher: Another one? I swear, I thought people learned their fucking lesson after that Star Wars fanboy got his head planted into the ground. I guess not. Geez dude, I knew you were handicapped before, but that doesn't mean that you can't go back and watch what else some shitheads thought they could take me down with. At least I included bits and pieces of my opponent's videos just to show you what did and didn't work on me.

Dustin: He's comparing you to tha Virgin Islands, brah. And then he called you a virgin.

Christopher: So you compare me to a popular tourist trap, huh brah? I'm sure ya meant something different by it, but it tells me that I have about two million people on my side that want ta see me kick your ass in that ring. Also, why should you care if I got any tacos or not, brah? Even if I didn't, it still doesn't mean that I can't beat your ass from here ta Antarctica. You're just graspin' straws, brah. C'mon, try actually trashing me next time.

Some Lizard That Lost Its Tail Said:Now, I’m picking up a certain vibe through my nostrils, a beautiful aroma that arouses me. Fear. Actually, to rephrase, this isn’t scared but rather… lonely, lost, confused and generally unsure of his place on this planet.

Christopher: Ya sure ya ain't smellin' the pants ya pissed over, brah? I mean, I know you're mad at me for drivin' that thick skull of yours into the canvas, but blamin' your failure ta get to a toilet in time on me ain't healthy. Also, I know where I belong, dude. I belong here, in this federation, beatin' up guys like you Wednesday after Wednesday. Next time ya throw some stupid shit around, at least make sure it sticks, brah.

Some Reptile Doomed In the Next Meteor Shower Said:One other symptom that reinforces this is the fact that he appeared to have accepted my challenge of having his finisher stripped from the match. Not sure if this was due to his dysarthria and him being misunderstood, but it looks like that challenge still stands, so he can’t lose balance in a headlock and call it a day, which is exactly what happened after I destroyed the competition in the gauntlet.

Christopher: Ya also said that this was gonna be a submission match. Guess what the card says, brah?

Christopher Isles - vs - Tush Two out of Three Falls

Christopher: I guess management saw that you were bullshittin' and decided ta call you out on it by makin' it two out of three falls. If they 'fucked that up', so ta say, then that means the move that ya wanted gone oh so badly is still in effect. What exactly did ya sign, anyways, Tushie? A receipt? A napkin? Some poor asshole's envelope? 'Cause if it ain't on the card, it sure as fuck wasn't any contract.

Now don't give me the whole 'stipulation can be changed in this match' BS. It can't. This ain't a three stages to hell match. Go and talk to tha higher ups about this, dude, see how they react when ya bitch and moan that tha match ya wanted isn't happenin'.

Dustin: He said that you're gonna whine that ya lost ta Riot.

Christopher: Cry about losin' to her? Why tha fuck would I do that? I got cocky, brah, that's all I can say about that. I mean, you're the one on a plane drinkin' your sorrows away while bangin' those stewardesses that look like they hate everyone else. Oh what, don't tell me you wanted to be the one ta get your ass beat by Riot. You're sick, brah.

As for the belt we're fightin' for a right to go up against Ginger? You try gettin' up after gettin' crushed by that roided up Russian monkey. Ya can't, right? Ya can't because ya don't wanna be put back in the fuckin' chair, yeah? Get real, ya fuckstick, if you couldn't get past me at your worst, what fuckin' hope do ya have at goin' against Ginger at your best? The only way you can get past me is if I somehow lose my head within the next four or so days. Don't cha worry now, brah, that ain't gonna happen.

Some Garden Snake that Lost Its Head Said:I know that you like to think that you’re better than me, but that doesn’t work. People – not just me – can see right through you like that gap between bugs bunny’s teeth. You are nothing compared to what you were when you started back in May last year.

Christopher: Honestly, brah, if you're tryin' ta say that I'm somehow worse than the guy that took on opening level cum buckets, then you deserve ta have your face broken. Not only is that a flat out lie, that's also somethin' that'll get your head kicked in at the middle of that ring.

So ya wanna get shit started, huh brah? Well then go ahead and go for it. The ball's in your court.

[With that the scene cuts to black.]