Robbie seems very fluid with the development that he will be partnered with Pest, a man presumed to be his nemesis for months. Perhaps a little too fluid. Morbid Angel has appeared beside the duo, and it seems as though shades of dark chapter in the history of the XWF are beginning to creep back into view.

THE DIVINE ART OF UNIVERSAL SALVATION

3:03 PM

We open to see Robbie Bourbon, showered and changed into fresh clothes, addressing the Bourbon Men in full congress. Culinary students are serving pizza at a rapid rate, the overall hustle and bustle of the whole dojo overwhelming the camera. The place seems full, and alive, as students shoot each other off the ropes in the ring, students practice video games in the arcade, students practice making drinks for bar competitions. Beside Robbie are Blue, Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Pest, code name Esteban the Magnificent, and Morbid Angel, code name Crispin the Destroyer, the rest of the Black Hand.

Okay, guys, since everything is back to normal after I had a snack and a shower, I'm going to take our newest Bourbon Men, Esteban and Crispin, on a training mission.

Man, I never got a training mission!

Well, hey, you didn't need any. So I'm taking Esteban the Magnificent and Crispin the Destroyer...

Those names are silly.

Whatever, your name is Diamondback and you're a shapeshifter. That doesn't even add up, but I went with it. Anyway, we're going to visit child cancer patients and try to grant their wishes.

What, like the Make-A-Wi...

Shh! No, not like them. Aparantly my association with the Big Brothers and Sisters organization means I can't do business with any other non-profit organizations. This is just going to grant some wishes; basically toss money around and be heartwarmingly famous around dying people.

Pest: Robert, I do not want to go hang around sick people.

"They have cancer powers, I don't want them infecting me."

Robbie bites his lower lip.

Crispin, that's, no. Esteban, too bad. Come on, get in the van.

Pest: You will buy us Wendy's.

"Spicy Chicken FOREVER!"

Okay, great, Wendy's. C'mon.

Robbie walks out of the dojo and into the van as Pest, Morbid, and the camera follow.

Jesus, where'd you guys learn to leave someplace? Smooth transitions, c'mon.

Pest and Morbid doff their masks.


4:00 PM

We see Robbie pulling into a parking spot. Surrounding the lot are several trees, all barren and leafless.

Pest: Robert, I told you to get Wendy's.

We'll get it on the way home.

"I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since I infiltrated your dojo."

You should have brought a snack. Always pack a snack on covert ops.

"I did. I ate it."

Well, come on, maybe there's a few snacks for you guys inside or something. I'm sure having lunch with the kids would be wonderful.

Pest: Robert, it is four in the afternoon. Too late for lunch, too early for supper.

Then afternoon tea it shall be. Tea with toxic tots, let's go.

Pest and Robbie are seen climbing from the driver and passenger seat as the camera leaves the opposite side of Morbid Angel. The three walk in through the front door of a rather plain building, and the signage inside distinguishes it as some kind of medical facility. They approach a reception desk.

Hello, ma'am, I"m Robbie Bourbon, we're the XWF superstars sent by the Big Brothers and Sisters.

The receptionist grins.

Excellent! Come, right this way, they're having play time right now.

Robbie, Pest, and Morbid, the Black Hand, walk down the hallway, following the receptionist. They are led to a large room with twelve children, ranging from 5 to 9, all playing. Most are bald, evidence of chemotherapy. One child is even currently toting a chemo IV as she walks through the room. The supervising doctor approaches, and she looks exceedingly young for a doctor.

Hello, I'm Dr. Smith, you gentlemen are with the Big Brothers and Sisters?

And the XWF.

Oh, the XWF? Heh, isn't that all fake?

Pest: How old are you?

Look, I know I look young, I graduated college at the age of 12, med school at 14, I get a lot of crap for it, but I promise, even though I'm only 16, I know what I'm doing and I'm an excellent doctor. I even invented this special scanner to monitor the cancer in the patients!

Dr. Smith scans one of the children and the display lights up. Pest pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and lights it in the children's cancer treatment ward. Dr. Smith coughs.

Please put that out, sir.

Pest throws the cigarette away. He immediately pulls another one out and lights it. Dr. Smith rolls her eyes and giggles, pokes Pest on the nose and twirls, her brown ponytail swaying as she does. She walks away to her office, taking reprieve from watching the children for a moment. The camera pulls back and Robbie is glaring at Pest. Pest looks at Robbie.

Pest: What, Robert?

Jesus.

Pest: I do not like you looking at me that way, Robert. You will stop.

No, no I won't stop. You stop.

Morbid is eyeballing the entire room, making sure none of the cancer patients get close enough to him to infect him with their cancer. Robbie walks into the center of the room.

Okay, sick people, gather around! Are any of you guys XWF fans?

A few of the children shyly raise their arms.

So do you guys know who I am?

"You're Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon!"

Damn skippy. And what do I do?

"Beat people up!"

That's right! And this Wednesday, me and Pest here are going to beat up two half-jalopy jabronies in the most violent display we can muster! Who here wants me to Robbiebomb 2? Who here wants to see me Robbiebomb Brian Lance? Who here wants to see those to jack-offs crushed up and pulverized like they were made of glass? I mean, Brian Lance is going to break, crumble, and shatter like glass when his goofy face painted ass finally gets back from Mexico. Brian Lance likes to bring up sucking cocks an awful lot, you know why? Brian Lance loves the cock. He goes Daniel Plainview on it. He drinks your milkshake, he slurps it up, then proudly proclaims he's finished. Brian Lance sucks frog dicks. Frog dicks, Robbie? Yes, frog dicks, because they're still dicks, and as long as he can get one in his mouth, urethra on uvula action with ball-on-chin intimacy, like he's doing his job.

His job sure as shit ain't to be an XWF Tag Team Championship contender. His job is to get bounced around by the one true Wednesday Night Wrecker, Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon. Your pain will be mine, you stupid ass. Your busted spine? Mine. Your dislocated shoulders? Mine. Your broken fucking neck, either from column A, the Neckwrecker, or column B, the E.M.C.? Mine again. Your pain is mine, your ass is mine, now go gargle some mouthwash and get that semen off your breath, stud.

Then there's 2, a shitstain of an asswipe if I've ever seen one. Let's answer a few questions you had for yourself, deuce. First off, a tag match? Hyep, it's one of those matches where you have a partner, you have to give each other a high five every so often to go beat the shit out of someone. In a tag tournament? Yes, some less than intelligent XWF superstars have disrespected the XWF Tag Team Championship, leaving them vacant. Brian Lance? Sorry, dude, sometimes life sucks, but you both have a lot in common. And even a mystery partner? Oh, hi, that's me. What did I walk into here? Too much too soon.

King of agony, pain is focus. Well, guess what, stud? Your pain is mine too! That's right, kids, I'ma fuck 2 up just as hard as I fuck Brian Lance up, and you know why? Because they're a couple of fart sniffing bagfuckers that actually stick their dicks into bags and fuck them. Grocery bags, garbage bags, fast food bags, they go around sticking their cock in whatever bag they find, convincing themselves it's pussy. Boys, them bags on your cocks are closer to being pussy than you'll ever get to fucking killing me, or my partner.

The kids all clap, cheering at all the vulgar and crude language used by the loud colorful grown-up in front of them. Morbid seems calmer and less frightened by the cancer kids. He walks up to the girl toting a chemo IV. He looks at it for a moment, and his eyes go wide as soon as he reads the word "chemotheraputic". He snags the bag and sinks his teeth into it, guzzling the contents.

Woah! Dude, that kid...

Morbid Angel belches, and Robbie pinches his nose. Morbid's chemotherapy belch gasses expand through the room as the kids all start to go "ew" and "gross". One by one, though, the children's hair all seems to come back, and be styled. In fact, all the children look as though they've gained 20 pounds each. Dr. Smith comes out of her office. She scans the children and smiles.

Oh my God.

Pest: I am the god of emptiness.

She giggles.

No, it's a miracle. All these kids, their cancer is cured!

"Huh?"

Robbie shakes his head and chuckles. The kids all rush Morbid Angel and start hugging him, giggling.

"What, what are they doing?"

You disarmed their cancer with your belch, this is the only attack they have left. Your strongest defense is to laugh at how feeble it is.

Morbid Angel glances at the kids and back at Robbie, who is giving Morbid a thumbs up. Morbid throws his head back and laughs, and in what is perhaps the most heartwarming and touching moment of XWF history, all the children and Morbid Angel laughed and expressed joy together over the fact that Morbid Angel had claimed victory over their cancer.

Well, I think that about wraps it up, where's Pest?

The camera turns to show Pest sitting at the desk in Dr. Smith's office, a brown ponytail bobbing up and down in front of him.

God damnit.