BALLSACK TO THE FACE! Err… Camera? Is there a reason? Yep, because OGHG is a motherfucking trendsetter bitch! As everyone recovers from the random ballsack to the face and wonders where it came from, where it went, and if it’ll come back. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Ballsack Joe? Suddenly, we’re greeted with the awe inspiring site of Shaneman and the HGs surrounded by the dense amazon rainforest peering through the woods at their target. Through the dense jungle up ahead we see a clearing and a village of secluded indigenous people.

Shaneman: Okay guys, all we need is their medicine man.These guys hate outsiders as it is but I’m sure he’ll be much more willing to cooperate if we don’t slaughter the whole village. Plus I don’t want to risk killing him. From what research I can find, he’ll be the one with black gunk on his face while the rest have some kind of red tribal gunk on their faces.

Big Gun: Do the colors mean something?

Shaneman: I dunno, some primitive savage bullshit. It doesn’t matter, what matters is the medicine man!

Snoring can be heard from high up in the trees.

Shaneman: Damn it OG!

OGHG comes sliding down a nearby tree landing right beside Shaneman.

OGHG: What?

Shaneman: You were snoring!

OGHG: Well EXXXXCCCCUSSSSEEEE ME! My bad for taking a little nappy nap after getting boiled alive trekking through the goddamn jungle for days. Do you know what it smells like in this getup? Hired Ass Soup! You got to be a goddamn caiman and all I got was cooked.

Shaneman: Well you did say that you were down for some Mr. Miyagi style training, boom! What better way to train than by making your way through thick jungle terrain while wearing a skin tight black suit and mask you can barely breath in. This is some Ivan Drago type shit, you will break Cent!

OGHG: Actually, Drago was more technology driven. This would be more Rocky-eque.

Shaneman: But we’re the baddies.

OGHG: Still, the actual training would be more Rocky-eque even if our values don’t exactly align with the hero.

Shane: Yeah but…

Random HG: GUYS! Focus, before the villagers spot us.

OGHG: Jesus Billy you’re such a buzzkill.

Shaneman: Ha! Billy Buzzkill

Billy: No real names!

OGHG: OOOOOOOOH! Now it’s a problem, this is what you get!

Billy sighs and shakes his head.

OGHG: Anyway, the plan is we nab the witchdoctor and run right?

Shaneman: For the most part, yes.

OGHG: Okay, I got this.

Shaneman: You got this?

OGHG: Yep, I’ve got a plan.

Shaneman: Which is?

OGHG: Leroy Jenkins!

*Everybody Collectively*: NO!

OGHG: I was kidding guys, geez, give me some credit.

Shaneman: If you were applying for a credit card with me, your credit score would come back as 2.

Billy starts laughing hysterically.

Shaneman: What are you laughing at Buzzkill, you’d be in the negatives.

OGHG: HA!

Shaneman: Okay OG, so what is your plan?

OGHG: Big Gun, the crate.

One of the pudgy guns steps forward holding a crate that he sits at OGHG’s feet. OGHG pops the top on the crate to reveal a treasure trove of porn magazines.

Billy: What the hell OG, this isn’t the time for that!

Shaneman: No, no, wait a minute Buzzkill. He has a point! These villagers don't have contact with the outside world. Meaning they are very primitive in the ways of the flesh. Moreover, they have never gotten to experience the allure of a pale white devil vixen!

Billy: And the women?

Shaneman: You saw the villagers buzzkill, didn’t exactly see any mandingos flopping around did you? I have yet to see one Peter Gilmour in that village. Which means they’re going to flip over these BBC mags!

OGHG: I covered all my bases.

Shaneman: Alright OG, do your thing.

OGHG grabs a handful of porn mags and stealthy sneaks around the village tossing them near the villagers, avoiding detection as they all succumb to their perversions one by one. After a few return trips to replenish his porn rations the village has gotten to the point where there isn’t a soft dick or dry vagina as far as the eye can see. That’s when OGHG identifies the village witch doctor by the color of his face paint. OGHG sneaks up behind him and karate chops him in the neck just like in the movies. Only unlike the movies the witch doctor just grabs his neck and doesn’t go down. OGHG quickly hits him in the head trying to knock him out again like in the movies and again the movies fail OGHG. The witch doctor falls to the ground but is still conscious. Finally OGHG resorts to his ace in the hole, OGHG boots the witch doctor right in nuts. BOOM! Out like a light. OGHG throws the witch doctor over his shoulder and brings him back to where the group is waiting for him.

Shaneman: Excellent OG!

OGHG: Yeah, yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here so I can go whip some Centurion ass!

Shaneman: And I can get back in my body!

Billy: Sweet, Shane’s going to get into Centurion’s ass and OG is going to whip Shane’s body. Mission accomplished.

Everybody looks towards Billy.

Billy: What?

Billy then collapses succumbing to the jungle heat.

Shaneman: See, I told you that you’d get some bad ass training out here. This place pushes you past your physical limits and only the strong can handle it!

OGHG: Uh huh, that wasn’t at all a lie that you told just so i’d come here. And you aren’t at all using things that happened in our favor just to justify it so you don’t seem like a dick.

Shaneman: GASP! I WOULD NEVER!

OGHG: Mmhmm. Big Gun, get Billy straight. We need to get to the rendezvous point.

We fade to black as the big gun pours water onto Billy then starts shaking him.




The 20 Year Rookie


I’ve been involved in some doozie examples of puppetry in my day. Such as my exquisite handling of Griffin Molesterer when the dong worshipping the devil debacle first popped off. Poor Griffin didn’t know what hit him. That, that was fucking amazing but what I’m about to unleash on Centurion is going to be my magnum opus. As we speak Centurion is somewhere full of himself having done mental gymnastics to the point where he thinks he’s stirring pretty and retaining the Hart Title is a foregone conclusion. Except the only fore in his future is my foreskin being rubbed across his forehead. That’s right Cent, be afraid, be very afraid. Also, heads up on the pepper spray. I’m basically immune at this point but a nice taser shock to the balls will completely immobilize me and not make me hornier in the least. Nope, if I get sack tasered I’m done and my dick absolutely does not get harder than a Japanese math test.Oh and Centurion, I hate to break it to you homie but just because you you’re sitting somewhere full of yourself doesn’t mean your punk ass is sitting pretty. In fact I would liken your sitting to Fievel Goes West, YOU’RE SITTING ON A GIANT MOUSE TRAP!

Centurion Said:Jab.
Jab.
Jab.

All fucking night. And you have nothing in your arsenal that can keep me down. And I may leave this match beat up, broken, and bruised…but I will still be leaving as champion.

SNAP NIGGA! MOTHERFUCKING SNAP! Do you want to know one of the ways I know that you aren’t focusing on shit that actually matters? Well besides spending a good portion of your last promo talking about how I partake in weird shit of all flavors which is obvious to ANYBODY who has ever seen one of my promos? Right after this match was booked, that arsenal that you talked about was revamped specifically for you. I do shit like that constantly, leaving hints, TIPPING MY HAND ever so slightly, and even throwing out random bullshit just to see who is stupid enough to bite. We’ll get to that last one later Cent, oh boy will we get to that last one later. However, spoiler alert, YOU DID NIGGA! We’ll get to that though, right now we’re talking about my revamped arsenal which actually features YOUR best move. So, what you’re telling me is you either have no fucking idea what my arsenal is or that your best move isn’t that good right? After all if it can’t keep somebody displaying the same mental faculties of Joe Biden down then who the fuck will it keep down?


Wait a minute did I just say that Centurion is as mentally capable as you ain’t black Biden? YUP! Am I spot on in that assessment? YUP! I actually might vote for Cent over Biden, Cent is somehow less creepy with less sexual assault allegations. Go figure. Still, that boy Centurion ain’t playin with a full deck I tells ya! I know I’m not the only one who witnessed him do a complete 180 no condom no scope contradictory cockslap. He pulled a 180 for all you crackas out there. Centurion pulled a 180 on how good he thinks I am just because I said I wasn’t that good. No really, that’s it, it was really that easy. All I had to do in order for Centurion to go back on everything he said was me telling him “nuh uh”. Forget the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. The greatest trick The Hired Gun ever pulled was convincing a 20 year vet of how much of a non threat he was just by saying so. Forcing that 20 year vet to then retract every statement that he made even the one about me being respected by those who had SEEN me wrestle. It’s amazing how my mere words could undo what Centurion’s own eyes told him. I TRULY AM THE HIRED TRUMP!


Speaking of Cent’s 20 year veteran status. Imagine if you will for one moment, that you’ve been in this business for over 20 years. Now imagine being so desperate to save face that you actually criticise your opponent for using your own words against you. Makes a ton of sense right? Cent, boy, you need to take SEVERAL seats. Real talk, when you’re so desperate to save face that you’re complaining about me using shit THAT YOU SAID WEEKS AGO against you then there isn’t any face left to save. Jesus dude, I had no idea that things had gotten to the point where you were this desperate. It’s literally so bad that you’ve started to disregard how promos actually work. Not that you were ever that good at them anyway but this is promo 101, anything that you say can and will be used against you. It’s no wonder that you’re vulnerable and have been getting picked apart and exposed by the “upper echelon” of the XWF in your promos and in the ring. You even tried to somehow turn me driving viewers to your promos into an insult for Christ sake. WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!? Especially since that promo is a few weeks old and has about the same amount of viewers as my promos from this week but who’s counting? Oh that’s right, YOU!


I was even able to play you so perfectly that you didn’t even realize that you were being played. Your last two promos were a masterclass in what the fuck not to do when you’re facing The Hired Gun because you proved every point I made was 100% correct. Centurion you’re no longer Mr. Fundamentals, you’re Mr. Glass. When you came to me you were a confused child looking for daddy’s help to jump start his career. Now you’re a confused child that got himself in a situation where he’s deperately searching for an answer to a question that doesn’t have a fucking answer. What do you do against The Hired Gun? I gave hints at War Games but this is just too perfect of a situation for me not to do the big reveal. So, here it is, how do you keep yourself from falling into the intricate traps that The Hired Gun sets? The same way that you win any game that’s unwinnable, you don’t play. Do you motherfuckers really think I ramble about stupid shit just to ramble? What the fuck has Shane said on several occasions?

Shanelight Said:Everything you say and do borders on and brilliance.

Do you think that’s an accident? Do you really think that with as many personalities that are crammed in my head that the idiots are ALWAYS in charge? Nothing is planned? Everything is just mindless fun? Well then I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn that I would love to sell you guys.

Centurion Said:But you're not a normal person. Things like "strategy" and "long term planning" don't really resonate with you. So who knows what the hell you're doing?

GODDAMN IT CENT! REALLY? Insert facepalm emoji here. He has gots to be the dumbest 20 year vet I’ve seen in my fucking life. GOTS TO BE! Now that we’ve gotten some of the minor shit that I used to scramble ol’ Cent Biden’s brains more than they were already scrambled. Who wants to move on to the major mindfuck? Everybody? Okay then!. Without Centurion’s reaction to my words, my entire Trumpian rant was just inconsequential fluff. Sure, it was hilarious just like everything else I say because I’m a funny motherfucker but in the grand scheme of things it was meaningless. Just a guy telling the world that he sucked. The moment those words gained power was the moment Centurion agreed with them and proceeded to betray everything he said about me. His actions gave those words power because his actions showed that my mere words could move him like a pawn on a chess board. Meanwhile in betraying his own words while trying to combat my inconsequential rambling, what did Centurion become? He became his own opponents, the ones who believe that they’ve won a match because they THINK their promos are superior and then get lulled into a false sense of superiority.


Tell me this though Cent, how did my promos lower my threat level in the ring? How could anything I’ve said to you this week actually lower the skill level that YOU SAW? If anything it just shows how desperate YOU are to explain the unexplainable. How desperate YOU are to win the unwinnable game that you never should have gotten caught up in playing. Do you know what else it does, Cent? It casts a big shadow over the compliment that I gave you. That jab, jab, jab, montra you’ve embraced? There’s a whole lot on your mind Cent and hesitation is a motherfucker. Will those jabs be as crisp coming from a guy who already thinks he won? Will they be as crisp coming from a guy with his mind on everything except what he should be focusing on? Will those jabs be as crisp coming from someone who is so easily swayed by my words? After all, at the beginning of the week I was the almighty conqueror Hired Gun but now I’m just some guy all because I said so. At the beginning of the week I was going to have to leave Centurion broken unlike anybody else in 20 years to beat him. Now somehow he switched it up so that I will need to out fundamental and out skill him in order to win. WHAT!?!?


Cent, you flip flop so much I’m not particularly sure what it is you think I have to do in order to beat you anymore. That’s all good though because your narrative may change but throughout all of this my focus has remained on one goal, beating you. So, bring what you will. Come to the ring dressed as me if you’d like because that goal still won’t change. I’m not here for your title, I’m not here for your fucking views, I don’t give a flying fuck about a main event, and I don’t give a rats ass that you’re in the hall of legends. The objective remains the same Cent, BEAT YOU! How is it that the guy with 57 personalities is focused on that one thing while you’re worried about literally everything else? Perhaps it’s a bit of gamesmanship from the old vet, you know, trying to shake me to my core and throw me off my game like he’s CLEARLY been shaken to his core and thrown off his game. I guess it was a nice attempt? Kinda? Yeah, not really. All of your promos this week sound like crackhead talk. Cent, are you on crack? And if so can I get some because the shit you’re on puts the shit that I’m on to shame. TO SHAME I SAY!


Finally to put a nice bow on this week of dealing with a geriatirc who thinks he can’t be rebuilt by DRW. The same people that rebuilt me. The same people that are experimenting with putting souls in different bodies. Yet, they can’t enhance some old wrestler and make him better than he ever was before? Ok boomer. But back to the topic at hand. You’re not a coward Cent, so why, why would you ever choose to Hart Title your career away when it hasn’t helped you in the least? Just because it’s the safest route? It doesn’t make any sense Cent, DO BETTER! Seriously! Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But it’s okay, The Hired Gun is here to save you from your own stupidity and make you aim higher.

Black to fade.

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