Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

The Hired Gun · (04-21-2020)

Boy oh boy, where do I even begin? While my last outing was just as successful as everybody thought it would be, we all saw what happened with The Engineer. Even though we had a perfect plan excellently executed in all of its excellent glory that wasn’t enough. But hey, you know how that goes since cash ins are as unstoppable as a sexual deviant legion of doom consisting of Harvey Weinstein, Centurion, R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, and Jeffery Epstein’s skeevy spirit. Hmm, million dollar idea. A christmas carol like movie with Epstein’s spirit playing the ghost of sexual assaults past, Weinstein playing the ghost of sexual assaults present, and Centurion playing the ghost of sexual assaults future because we all know he’s still got plenty left in the tank.

Due to the way things turned out with The Engineer, Shane has been extra pissy since the pay per view and extra shitty because of the diff. He’s just like one big angry piss and shit storm. Hurricane Diffy, a shitnado with piss rain if you will. So, it’s no surprise that even though he knew I had a match with Jimmy John Havoc coming up, he still decided to send me to the Philippines in order to take care of some… Uh… Business. Still, even though Shane shipped me off to Cambodia I was able to do what I needed to do in order to take care of business and not only make it back in time for the match but I made it back in time to bomb on Javoc’s ass in this promo as well.

Now all of that brings me to Jimmy Hvac. As cranky as Shane is now, he didn’t give a shit about me showing up for this match because nobody really gives a shit about James Havoc. Let's be honest here, after witnessing Havlic’s first interactions with the XWF roster it was simple to see that one of two things was happening. Number one would simply be that ol Jay Haych is about as worthless as Carnival Cruise stock. Option number two, Slim Jim is pretending to be as worthless as Carnival Cruise stock to lull people into a false sense of security so that he can take advantage of them. Either way, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

I knew full well what I was getting into when I accepted the challenge. Either I was signing up for some good ol fashioned tard bashing or I was signing up to jump on a live grenade. Either one of those things sound like a damn good time to me. Plus, why do you think I asked to pick the stipulation? No matter which good time I’m going to have at Warfare, I can promise you this, I’m coming out of this thing a winner regardless. So, what is it that I have up my sleeve? What kind of hell am I going to unleash on Jim Bob Havoc?

Well, as pissy as he has been lately, I can assure you that since I am going to make it to this colossal waste of time as he put it. Shane wants me to punish you Jim, he wants me to torture you, he wants me to reduce you to nothing more than a diff infected puddle in order to send a message from Shane’s shit hole to this shit hole of a federation. In all honesty I agree with him, now is the time assert dominance in the XWF and show that we are the surprise butt sex givers and not the surprise butt sex receivers. So, that led me to start thinking about what match type I was going to use in order to assassinate you Jaheem and that’s when things really started to go downhill.

Ever since Shane dragged my corpse out of the peaceful grave that it was resting in and hooked me up with his laboratory boys… Buy their album by the way. Shane & The Laboratory Boys LP in stores now, that Diff Remix single they put out is BANGIN! But I digress.Ya know they should do a song with Gilmour, I can picture it now. Shane & The Laboratory Boys featuring Peter Gilmour in “Suck My Dick While I Digress”.

“When I saw you walking up in that dress.
I had one thought in my mind.
So, Milady if you would be so kind.
SUCK MY DICK WHILE I DIGRESS”

That shit will set the billboard charts on FIRE! I’m so pitching that in our next super secret masonic illuminati new world order meeting. But back to less important business. Things started to go downhill when I thought about how I was going to punish Timmy Havilcek because ever since I hooked up with Shane & The Laboratory Boys my inner monologues have been more like a staff meeting. But not like regular staff meetings, more like a staff meeting at a crack house. I usually ignore all of the shenanigans but this time around there was one voice that spoke louder than all the others. One voice that said “Bruh let me handle this”. At first I brushed it off but you can only ignore having bruh yelled at you so many before you finally give in and listen. Then when I listened… oh boy. You’re in for it Lenny. Just like the people in Columbia that Shane sent me to take care of business with. However let me turn the reins over to the mastermind himself so that you can hear it from the scorpion's mouth.

JIMMY! BRUH! Let me be the first one to tell you that it’s over for you before it even began. Not only does my dick of doom give zero fucks about if you’re actually an escapee from the shallow end of the gene pool or if you’re just pretending to be one, IT DOESN’T MATTER! Either way I’m going to rear back with all of my might and no scope 360 dick whip you with such ferocity that they’re going to be calling you Jimmy Cobain afterwards.

[Image: 69364-A2-C-8-D2-A-4-E6-E-8-BA1-DADCC630397-A.jpg]

[Image: 69364-A2-C-8-D2-A-4-E6-E-8-BA1-DADCC630397-A.jpg]

For real bruh, brain matter all over the ring, new guy on the force in the back throwing up because he found an imprint of my balls and some of my pubes on your frontal lobe. But even if you were to somehow survive bruh, even if a miracle like that were to happen, you’re still going to leave this match completely destroyed and do you know why that is bruh? It’s because you’re way too fucking rigid. Have you ever seen one of those videos where the porn stars are going at it and the dude’s junk pops out, misses on re-entry, and snaps like a hand full of spaghetti noodles?

[Image: 3-E6-E660-C-D9-DB-4-E7-A-9640-888-E73-C25761.jpg]

[Image: 3-E6-E660-C-D9-DB-4-E7-A-9640-888-E73-C25761.jpg]

That’s you bruh, a weak inflexible dick just waiting to be broken and I’m the voluptuous ass that’s going to break you. A wise bruh once said be like Wedny’s grease making its way through arteries. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. shapeless, like Wendy’s grease. If you put Wendy’s grease into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put Wendy’s grease into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, Wendy’s grease can flow or it can crash. Be Wendy’s grease, my friend.

[Image: 671.jpg]

Bruh, you’re all about doing extreme things in order to get your point across. Going to war with people is your entire personality, that’s it bruh, THAT’S IT! I told you that I was going to pick a twisted match for us to compete in and your mind immediately jumped to thinking that it was going to involve extreme violence. That’s all you got bruh, that’s what you’re comfortable with, that’s what you’re used to. So bruh, why in the fuck would I pick a match like that in order to torture you? In order to embarass you? That’s not how this works bruh, I’m going to drag you out of your element and use my dick to beat you into submission. It’s all because I’m like Wendy’s grease bruh and at Warefare I’ll be clogging your arteries and stopping your heart in none other than a BRA AND PANTIES MATCH!

[Image: 7-E7-E90-A2-73-A0-4-D65-8666-F483688-A5378.png]

[Image: 7-E7-E90-A2-73-A0-4-D65-8666-F483688-A5378.png]

Strap em up buttercup because it’s going to be a long night for you. My only question is what kind of bra and panties guy are you? I’m willing to bet it’ll be one of those lacey numbers. Word to the wise bruh, think twice before you walk into a federation and start accepting unknown stipulations. You’re bound to run into a guy like me who will make you pay for it, and pay dearly.

AAOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW BRUH!
SCORPZILLA OUT!

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Ha! Made It!
Author	Message