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Guppy Parsh · (06-19-2014)

At first there was nothingness.

I could feel the dinner of Gods come closer and closer, but alas I had no fear. If this really was the end of me, well, then I went out the way I was meant to. I was serving my purpose. I was never supposed to be a doctor. I was supposed to be this man. I was supposed to be a slave. I was supposed to kill my family members and those orphans. I was supposed to snuff out that coffee house in my dreams. Everything had a purpose. Everyone that was supposed to die at my hands did so for a reason. It was all leading to this moment in time, to my demise.

I had to die now.

How could I not? It isn’t a terrible way to go. It isn’t the worst. Being eaten by my favorite meal shouldn’t be so bad. The shoe is on the other foot now. It doesn’t usually go that way. My big toe is being squeezed in a way it wouldn’t normally. If I were to wear shoes this way on the regular I’d have to go up a few sizes.

Shoes don’t matter now. In fact, clothing in general is a non-issue.

I am face to face with my ending. My great escape is now. I’m a dead man. Guppy fin ……………………………………………………………………………………………….....................................................................................................::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::……………………………………………………………………….I said Guppy fin……...................................................................................................

I don’t understand. I am that far away? Exactly how far does this cave go? If this magic pizza is really inching closer and closer, where is it? Why is my heart still beating? What’s making it move so God damn slowly? Is it moving? Am I moving backwards to match it’s speed? Is the speed at which I am thinking unnaturally fast? Surely I’d be dead now, right? Am I already dead? Is the afterlife watching yourself die in the slowest way possible? I’m was a doctor at one point. I should know this. I should be able to comprehend what is happening at this exact moment in time, but for some reason I can’t. I can move my fingers and my toes. I know that much.

However, it didn’t matter what the Guppy thought he saw. It didn’t matter what the Parsh perceived. One thing was certain, however, Guppy Parsh was very much alive. There was no cave. There was no magic pizza. There was no call. There was no signal. There was no one to help; just a part-time wrestler, alone, in his bedroom. His fanciful lies and little dream of adventure will peel away like it always does. Once again he will meet consciousness.

Then later on he will return to this world. Maybe he’ll be a doctor this time. Maybe he’ll kill somebody. Heh, maybe next time there will be a ‘red ball of death’ that follows him around and tells him to kill people and that he won’t get in trouble. The ‘red ball of death’ could fill his head with horse fucking stories while he bobs for apples or something. Who gives a fuck?

Where was his responsibility? What were his obligations? He gave up his life months ago. He had no reason to be anywhere else than there. He was busy here; he had dreams to pretend were real and nowhere to go. He knew how to use roofies. He knew how to stay comatose. He’s a doctor so of course he knows these things. Well, he was until he overreacted to something extremely minor. Maybe, it was the last straw like he claimed, but to throw away that many years of schooling was a farce. It was an exaggeration. It was a joke. Guppy knew it perfectly well, but when you make a choice like that it’s very hard to call it a mistake.

It will always be in the back of his mind during his waking hours, while preparing for his mid-card bout or while he’s looking for the means to knock himself out once again and return to his realm of fantasy, or XTREEMMME! What does he think he’ll gain? Who does he thinks he’s fooling? Who would really believe that a red cloud thing that talks like Peter Gilmour sent them on a trip to find a pizza that got lost in the delivery process? How would this pizza end up in a cave? I guess our Guppy Parsh just couldn’t let this ‘DonOLD Tramp’ have the better pizza party?

You know what? Let’s just let this play out. That's enough meddling from me. Carry on, Guppy. Keep up the charade. As long as I remain entertained I'll be happy. Your health isn't my issue.

I wasn’t being eaten. It was bizarre. My eyes opened and I saw the dead pizza’s body lumped up on the cave floor. I saw my savior.

[Image: article-2504471-196007AC00000578-802_634x857.jpg]

[Image: article-2504471-196007AC00000578-802_634x857.jpg]

Pearl Harbor’s Ben Affleck stood before me as he yanked a Bat-arang out of the cheesy monster’s exterior. The cape and the cowl fluttered graciously in the cave winds.

“Are you alright?”

My hand’s wound danced at that question. I almost forgot about it.

“I’ll put one of my Bat-dages on that.”

Out of his yellow belt the caped crusader brought out a soft wound-covering device of some kind.

“We wouldn’t want it to get infected!”

The application tensed my skin. A burden suddenly removed itself from my shoulders.

“Um, thanks for saving me Ben Affleck.”

“Call me.......................................................Batman.”

“Okay. I’m Guppy.”

It felt strange. I always thought the voice was the one looking out for me. I always thought he’d be the one to come when I needed help. Maybe this was the voice’s way of telling me that it didn’t want me anymore? I think I remember it saying something like that.

“GUPPY! if I decide I don’t WANT U anymore ill leave u 2 die,” the voice was very honest about abandonment.

Then I guess that was what this was. Now I have a new debt to pay off. My work was done. Unless the voice merely contradicted itself, but it never did that. No, the voice's pizza party might not be doomed without my assistance after all.

“Um, Ben Aff-…..Batman I owe my life to you now. That pizza was going to eat me and you made it so it wou-.”

My voice trembled, out of the corner of my eye I saw it move.

With one last spurt of magic pizza energy a razor sharp pepperoni cut its way through the bat. Argo’s Ben Affleck fell to the cave floor. His blood mixed with the tomato sauce. No number of Bat-dages could patch him up now.

“BATMAN! BATMAN!?”

Armageddon’s Ben Affleck let out a cough and blood spilled out of his mouth. There wasn’t much time left.

“Guppy…I need you to…”

“Yes, Batman?”

“Wear my suit…and fight Superman in that movie,”

"I'll do it Batman, anything for you."

Then he expired.

The cave winds finally settled down. Good Will Hunting's Ben Affleck was no more.

Guppy fin.

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