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That Motherfucking Bastard - Printable Version

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That Motherfucking Bastard (/showthread.php?tid=42242)

That Motherfucking Bastard - Bobby Bourbon - 11-16-2021 11:39 PM

Not it all well in the city of Washington, DC.

Fortunately for them, someone has decided it was high time something was done about it.


We see the Bobby Bourbon dojo for the Competitive Arts. It's business as usual, with students honing their culinary and wrestling skills and people enjoying Dunkin Donuts. The south-east corner is a mess, with Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, and Axe Mannix, axe man on Xanax, dismantling the set for True People's News.

Any idea what he's building here?

I don't know. Prime retail space is available.

I hope it's another hair salon. The free haircuts were nice.

If it was another yoga studio that'd be cool.

I like the thought of an arcade.

Oh, yeah! That would be awesome!

Maybe when Bobby gets back we can ask him.

Where did he go?

He's out being a Motherfucking Bastard.

Huh, that would be harsh if it wasn’t his title.

You know?

You have to have a lot of gumption to take pride in being called a Motherfucking Bastard.

The three men stop and notice a television screen mounted on the wall signalling the start of the evening news.

Well, let’s see how he did.

ABC News 7 starts its broadcast. A bevy of students all stop and watch in anticipation. Karen, caring restaurant manager, approaches Cyberjaw, Diamondback, and Axe.

So, uh, people like watching the news here?

Cyberjaw smiles.


It's kinda cool here.


Diamondback just points at the screen. The News 7 broadcast team leads into their first story, the screen reads 'GALLAUDET STUDENTS FOUND'.

We open tonight with breaking news, the missing students from Gallaudet University have been found. The four women, ranging in age from 18 to 20, went missing between mid-October to a few days ago. Our own News 7 team is on scene. Diane?

The shot cuts to a woman in a jacket and hat with a spotlight illuminating her in the night.

Thanks Chuck. I'm here on the scene in rural Stafford, almost sixty miles south of the district. The local sheriff's department along with State Police came to this location after a tip-off from a concerned citizen. The four girls from Gallaudet were being held here in animal cages, and it seems the owner of the property was using a watercraft to transport the women from the District along the Potomac. After a thorough search, the property owner was planning on selling the girls into sex trafficking. We have a spokesman from the Stafford County Sheriff on hand. Deputy Smitts?

A deputy is shown standing beside Diane.

At four twenty-seven p.m., we received a call from a concerned citizen. Little did we know it was Bobby Bourbon, who is licensed to handle this kind of thing. We found this footage on scene and would like to show it now if possible.

Diane have you seen the footage?

I have, Chuck, we advise our viewers that the nature of this footage is highly graphic.

The screen changes. We see a man docking his boat in the dark at a very quiet personal location. From within the boat, we hear soft whimpering. The man chuckles.

Like taking candy from a baby. You can make all the noise you want, cutie, ain't nobody going to hear you out here.

The man hoists a large dog cage, and within we see a terrified young lady. He carries it to shore and towards a modest looking house. He sets her on the porch and reaches into his pocket, retrieving his keys. He opens the door, hits a light, and we see three identical cages with three more women within. He looks in and smiles.

Hello, lovelies. I'm home.

The women stare back at him.

Oh, y'all look so quiet? Why are y'all behaving yourselves, you hungry? This time next week y'all will be off to Europe and the Middle East anyhow to marry wealthy men, looks like you finally got around to that.

The three women look wide-eyed in his direction as a shadow is cast over him. He pivots, and hulking over him is Bobby Bourbon, who seems to have appeared behind him like some kind of phantom.

Who the.. urgkk

Bobby grabs the man and bull rushes him past the girls and through the wall, knocking down drywall and two studs in the process. In a kitchen now, Bobby takes the man, palming his skull, pulls his arm back, and thrusts into the door of a refrigerator. The appliance rattles as the very door dents then falls off from the force of the impact. Bobby releases his grip and the man falls helplessly to the floor like a rag doll. Bobby turns and steps through the hole in the wall he just made with a human body and reaches into his own pocket. He produces a pair of wire snips and begins to cut the girls free of the dog cages. One of the women looks up at Bobby.

Who are you?

Bobby swiftly shakes his head.

Just a Motherfucking Bastard, ma'am. You're going to be okay.

The footage ends, and we see deputies carrying a dog cage stuffed with the body of a man possessing a thoroughly bruised and swollen face. The man is screaming at the camera.

That bastard! That motherfucking bastard.

You're damn right I am, tell 'em all in lock up!

The camera pans and we see Bobby Bourbon surrounded by police. He's a bit larger than most of them.

Mr. Bourbon! We recently saw that the president reinstated you, and it seems you've done some work already in assisting in finding these young women. Do you have anything you want to say to these people?

Yep. Fuck around and find out.

Back in the dojo, we hear plenty of people cheering. As they do, Bobby walks into the dojo. The people clap louder as he looks downward and waves his hand.

Nope, nothing special. You guys rock, keep being awesome.

Yo, Bobby, can we put an arcade in over here?

Bobby stops and looks at Cyberjaw.

That sounds like a good idea, maybe. I figured we could have a round table about it.

That was…

Karen points at the TV showing the news. Bobby looks at it.

What, a commercial for fabric softener?

No, what you did.

Oh. That's just something I do because someone needs to do it. Who else is supposed to, Kat Jones or any of the new kids from OCW? Pfft, fat chance of that. Oh!

Bobby turns and looks at the camera.

Hiya, Kat. Look, I know you're probably grinding through another lame ass sparring session with some loser dollar store version of me. Careful with that, eating nothing but shit from the dollar store can't be healthy. Anyhow, I just fucked up a piece of garbage, it's kind of how I train and all, so there's that. Now, before you put children to sleep and cause thousands of people to change the channel, I reckon I should come forward and say a few things. That is kind of impressive, I admit, you pretty much replicated the exact same promo twice and acted like they were different while never once making it exciting, interesting, or pertinent. You wasted your own time, and good for you. As such, before we hear the echo of underestimation and your other bullshit, I wanted to say you are welcome. It's pretty obvious that this is the biggest match of your career and the exposure you're getting has to feel really special, even if you've been exposing yourself as the greenest rookie ever. A word to the not so wise; you should really bring something to the table if I have to set it for you. You have nothing, not a damn thing, to offer me. I mean, what, you feel you're being overlooked. By who, and why? That's on you. And all of it is founded in sexism, because you're a woman and I'm a man and that card is more played than We Will Rock You in football stafiums. It's all founded in sizism, because I'm a superheavyweight, and that’s the only shit that's been on your mind. Fuck, Casper the Insecure Ghost, no wonder you don't tan in the sun when you shelter yourself in your insecurities sounding like a child about to wet themselves in the school pageant. Don't you have anything of substance to talk about, or are the big words the grown-ups use too scary for you?