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The PokeBob Saga: Cinnabar and Viridian (Episodes 20-25) - Printable Version

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The PokeBob Saga: Cinnabar and Viridian (Episodes 20-25) - ALIAS - 08-27-2021 09:00 AM

7A: Foot In Mouth and Fist Up Ass

“Let me spoil this from the outset.

This is going to be me responding to what you’ve said, Chris. You can try to act like that somehow makes me, what…? Less original? Less prepared? Just what is the angle with that line, bud? You used it on Charlie Nickles too, but as with everything you’ve said, you throw something out there but you don’t provide any supporting evidence or rationale for why you’re saying it. If anything, responding to what you have to say, and systematically crushing the logic behind all of it - which I have, by the way - shows that I am a hell of a lot more prepared for this than you are. It means I know the mentality of the person that I’m going into battle with. It means I can see their motivations and rip it the fuck from their hearts before it ever comes to fruition. It means I know exactly what I’m getting into.

Pity the same can’t be said about you. You’re out here spouting off the same old talking points as you were at the start, showing zero growth and zero understanding of me. In a way, I respect the defiance. Here’s where I truly do take a page out of your book, Chris, as I sit on my cloud of judgement, looking down at you, and say that with that defiance, you are acting a little like me. And I’m not worried about being called a hypocrite by doing that, Chris. I’ve said from the outset that I was consistently inconsistent. Just like how I’ve said from the outset that I care about becoming the Universal Champion - I would have ripped the Hart Championship away from Thaddeus Duke if I didn’t, just to see that bitch cry. And conversely, Chris, I never said that your career isn’t impressive. I didn’t attack that.

That’s another thing you made up.

Because you’re fucking scrambling for shit to actually call me out on.

Just the same shit I’ve already disproven.

Now, I’ve been a’thinkin’, and that’s actually a pretty significant feat for me! You say that I claim to be so goddamn smart, but that’s another thing you made up. I actually think that I’m a bit of a dumb-dumb, but Jess said that I was smart back at War Games! Man, it’s getting mighty hard to build a consistent narrative on your end, isn’t it?

Better jump ship from that relationship too, eh?! It’s embarrassing you.

Just wait until you see what I’ve got to come!

But what I’ve been thinking about, Chris, is why you’ve had so much trouble trying to understand that all those points of yours have already been shot down. This is what I’ve come up with:

You think that I’m doing all of this to ‘defend’ myself. I think that’s where the message block is, because, right or wrong, I don’t see it that way. In case you haven’t noticed, Chris, damn near every time that I ‘counter’ something that you say, it’s to point out that you’re just as fucking guilty of it as I am. And I know that at times those responses of mine might have sounded like I’m trying to tear you down. Admittedly some of the time they were - you make it oh so fucking easy, after all. But it’s not about that, Chris. You keep throwing around the word ‘hypocrite’ like it’s some sort of ace up your sleeve against me, but any disputes I’ve had with your points hasn’t been to say ‘No! I didn’t do that!’ but instead to say that it just doesn’t carry the meaning that you think it does.

That’s why we’re at the end of this journey and despite trying to call me out on doing the same, you’ve had non-versions of Corey and I in your shit before, and now Jess has shown up again AND you’re pulling out the fucking cliché interview with Steve Sayors that Chris Page almost always does before a Universal Championship match. Because that whole ‘needing other people to carry a promo’ or whatever is a stupid point.

That’s why you’re also now trying to ‘counter’ the fucking kidney shots I laid into you about the validity of your own title reign by trying to justify your defences. Because the whole ‘countering arguments made by the opponent’ shit you were saying is also nonsense.

Hey, while we’re on the subject of your reign, remind me again whether I’m talking about everything other than you or if I’m trying more to discredit your career than anyone else? Those two ideas seem contradictory. But what do I know, right? I’m a fucking hypocrite!

Again Chris, I’m just pointing this out to highlight how much you don’t understand how to approach me. Shit, you had to bail on B.O.B. just to try to get a one-up on me and still you fell short because that isn’t a ‘counter’ with facts or stats…

Five versus four
Yes, that’s the score!
And still no names for The Beast
So no hats I will eat!”

...it’s a fucking admission that I nailed you to the post with it.

Let me help you out with trying to figure out that little pickle you worked yourself into. I didn’t start by going all in on B.O.B., my man. I started by shredding your entire Universal reign to the point where you haven’t recovered. You’re so fucking rocked you can’t even count the number of defences I’ve had correctly! Foot in my mouth, huh?


Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Let me just take this foot out instead and and shove it straight down your throat, while simultaneously shoving my fist up your fucking ass and treating you like one of my goddamn puppets. ‘Oh Big D challenged me so I accepted!’ ‘Oh Drew Archyle did too!’

Nice trying to DEFEND your points.

Nice dancing like my little personal slut.

But uh… if all it took was a challenge, why didn’t you take Corey up on his?


And Charlie Nickles? Yeah… he had already gone and lost to fucking Marf by the time he faced you. He may not have found rock bottom yet, but he was sure as shit on his way. Face the facts, Chris, you dodged competition. The exact same thing you tried to criticise me for. And when I lined up my competition against yours, I still came out on top. Because you empowered Atara for me.

Your own words fucked you.

This is another one of those times where you need to ask why I’m saying this. Is it just to take a shot? Well… a little. But dig deeper. If the past has nothing to do with the present, then why the fuck have you spent so much time talking about my past? Who brought up High Stakes? Oh yeah, that was you! It’s like you’re just saying a bunch of words but one thought doesn’t carry through to the next. You don’t have a plan; you don’t have a strategy. You’ve tried the age ol’ Chris Page trick of trying to beat people before they even get in the ring, but you actually credited me with doing that against Doppel-Chris and Atara. Add you to the list, bud. Because you don’t know who the fuck you’re fighting.

I’m not the biggest. I’m not the strongest. I’m not the fastest. I’m not the smartest.

I’m not unbeatable.

But to you I may as well be.

Even the one valid critique you’ve got, about how I came to be Universal Champion, falls fucking short because I have always owned up to it. Call me a bitch for it all you want, but I have always stood up and said ‘You’re goddamn right I did, and I would do it again!’ Fuck honour. My survival hinges upon remaining Universal Champion.

Just what did I lie about, Chris?

You don’t even fucking know.

More words with no substance.

Hey, great job telling Steve Sayors that you’re wanting to focus on the ‘here and now’ and then immediately segueing to talking about the state of the company going into Relentless. You know… the exact question you told him you didn’t want to answer. Oh, but I did the wrong thing talking about others, right? I did the wrong thing talking about Thad - who you fucking talked about! I did the wrong thing talking about Corey - whose name fell out of your shithole every single time! I did the wrong thing when sharing a story with Atara in fucking conflict with The Bastards!

You fucking idiot.

Oh yeah, I’m talking about B.O.B. again.

Of course I fucking am.

Because we all know how this is going to go.

You see, Chris. You’re deadass, objectively wrong when you’re trying to say I haven’t defended this championship as much as you, but you might have a point that I haven’t had a match in a while. Heh… that word is kind of cute. You think this is going to be a ‘wrestling’ match. I disagree. I’m gearing up for fucking war. And I haven’t fed in a while.

I don’t buy for a single fucking second that B.O.B. isn’t going to show up.

No matter.

I’m ready to Eat ‘Em All.”

Episode 20: Seafoam

Forward I was carried.

Ever forward.

Over the surging sea.

Each wave, a hand. Not left. Not right. Unified. Combined. Tied together with the rope strong enough for Māui to catch the sun.

“Remember our deal.”

I remember.

On tidal peaks, I rise and fall. I've ridden this ride before. I've played this game. Under twinkling promises of tomorrow the current sweeps me out from shore. Further and further. But this time, it's not infinity that I travel to.

And this time… I don’t float alone.

We, the debris. Big Preesh - cast out from B.O.B. Atara - self-removed. Me. The hunter. The breaker.

With my magical companion.

What a trio we make, floating through this fluid existence. Out to sea. Egged on by the ebb and flow of life itself. Swept up in it. And in our bullshit.

Islands of foam emerge from the horizon. The sea vomits us onto its shore. Around us, the salted froth bubbles away, plucking sand from the beach and tossing it back out into the ocean. The water percolates in the space that remained, burrowing its way down under the island, seeking aquifer veins to puncture. Stepping onto the land, the dampened sand gives underneath our feet with a squelch. And before us… a cave.

I’m getting pretty fucking sick of caves by now!

How much more metaphysical crap can I even draw from that trope?

Charmeleon’s tail burns again, but this time it's not for light, but warmth. We could always have stripped off and huddled together for heat, but that might get a bit awkward, right? Nobody needs Preesh’s hard rock-snake popping out while Atara and I are… you know.

Better to just not go there.

So we walk. We hike. We trek through the frozen wasteland. But I am not the ice.

I am the fire.

And I move forward.

Fill in the fucking blank.

But Preesh falls through a hole in the ground. Atara slips down an icy sheath.

And like that, I am alone.



“Gimme a kiss, boo!” Preesh shouts from a crater in the ground where he landed. I peer down the hole and see him trying to reach for a… creature? Dark skinned with light hair, the figure dances her way towards Preesh.

And she actually Kisses him!

“YEEEEEEAAAA…” Preesh begins to holler.

But he stops.

Looking from above, there’s nothing I can do. Preesh falls to the ground once again, paralysed.

“Preesh!” I shout out to him. He doesn’t reply, so I yell louder. “PREESH!”

Still nothing.

I steady myself and prepare to jump. Before my feet leave the icy earth, however, a swarm of similar feminine forms twirl into frame.

It’s not safe.

But I would walk into fire.

So I…

“Hey, can you hear me?!” Atara’s husky voice projects from another part of the caves.

“Uh… yeah!” I call back. “Where are you? Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she replies, the cavernous chamber adding body to her voice as it carries it towards my ears. “A little bruise on my leg, maybe. There’s another path down here, though. I think… is that Preesh?”

“You can see him?!” I glance down at his motionless body through the opening in the ground.

“Yeah,” she confirms. “I think I can get through this crack in the wall.”

“WAIT!” I shout. “I’m coming down to you. There’s some things in there. We might need the both of us to push them back.”

“Whatevs.” I can almost hear the nonchalance. “Just come down the…”

I’m not waiting for her to finish. With a running start, I bound across the craggy ground and leap, landing with both feet simultaneously hitting the ice at the same time. And down I go.

With the grace of whatever the exact opposite of an Olympic-level skier is, I slide. Boulders block the path and I’m forced to skate between them. Clumsily, my hip collides against a rock and struggling to recover, I careen on. Eventually, I find my way to the edge of the ice, and again I jump. Soaring across a ravine, I smack, shoulder-first, into a wall, and fall onto the ground.

“And the gold medal goes to…” Atara snarks, her voice flat and without enthusiasm. From the ground where I’m sprawled, I leer up at her, causing her to crack a smirk. She reaches down with a sinewy arm and I take her hand as she helps me to my feet.



Charmeleon comes hurtling down the ice himself, his tail flaring with each crash into a jutting rock. He leaps! A fireball through the air!

And I catch the flames.

Gently, I settle him upon the ground.

“Roar,” he goes again. This time, it sounds closer to a purr.

Atara barely looks phased as I look back up at her. I point towards a narrow slit in the cave wall, beyond which I see some undefined movement.

“Through there?” Atara nods. We both approach, taking one side of the wall each, and try to look through. Sure enough, Preesh’s body still lies immobile on the ground, and the femme fatales continue to whirl around him. “We’re going to have to find a way through.”

“I can fit,” Atara says, and before I can even reply she’s lifting one of her long legs over a low-protruding rock, and squeezing inside the crack. The wall engulfs her, and even with Charmeleon lighting the tunnel, her body completely blocks the view of the other side.

With a grunt, she eventually emerges on the other side. She motions behind her for me to follow, and I lift my leg over the rocks, just as she did, to begin the journey.

But I don’t fit.

Damn these wide, child-bearing hips!

“I can’t get through!” I tell her. I see her thinking on the other side. If water is strong against rock, then she could…

“Malaka!” she curses. The figures on the other side swarm upon her.

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Atara gets ready to battle, but I don’t get to see how it works. A part of me wonders whether she’ll use that mystery Pokémon, but I won’t know until I get there.

There’s a rock wall between her and I.

Charmeleon begins to Thrash.

While it does, Golduck chooses to emerge from its ball and join the task.

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It begins to soak the walls in water, just like I had hoped Atara would be able to.

And this Charmeleon… it’s strong against everything.

The wall begins to give. On the other side I can hear Atara battling away. She’s experienced, I don’t need to worry about her. But I do. So I join Golduck and Charmeleon in hammering away at the wall. Further and further we drive through it, until we finally bust through! Just in time for…

Atara catches Jynx.

With one down, the rest of the Jynxes begin to scatter. In addition to Atara’s victory, the sight of the flames of Charmeleon and I bursting through the wall, Golduck teetering in the background, sends them running. With my head I acknowledge her victory, and sweep across the floor to Preesh.

“Come on buddy,” I try to wake him. Golduck chooses to use Hydro Pump. You know, like I’ve been using on Chris Page’s ass this whole time.

“Bah! Bah! Bah!” Preesh sputters and pits as he wakes. “Which pussy did I make dis wet, yo?”

He spies Atara, fastening the Jynx pokeball to her waist. In his mind, that action is something completely different.

“I fuckin’ knew it!” he beams, as if he hadn’t just spent half an hour or so completely out of it. Atara stomps her way towards Preesh and winds up a kick just as Nurse Dolly had earlier in our journey. In all of Big Preesh’s likely fairly short life (he’s fat as fuck, remember?), he would never move as fast as he did at the moment. In half a second, he’s not just on his feet again, but on the other side of the grotto.

Wait, he’s heading down a tunnel!

By God! Big Preesh found the way out!

Episode 21: Volcano

After cutting our way through the icy tunnels of the Seafoam Islands, we set out to sea once more. Dodging sludged jellyfish and dickhead surfers, we wash on shore to another island. This one larger, and inhabited.

The air was red with ancient embers. A reminder of the past, emphasised by the rising peak of a dormant volcano towering above the township.


I was only ever dormant.

The town itself was dotted with curiosities. In addition to the typical medical centre, convenience store, and spattering of houses, a sprawling laboratory stretches across the south-west of the island. Directly north of that is the charred frame of a once elaborate mansion, rich with history and legend.

But that is not what I’ve come to these shores for.

My journey is almost over. And I mean that in more ways than one.

The building to the east of the burned manse draws me in.

I walk through the fucking fire.

“What the hell do you want?” Miss Fury asks as we step into the gym. Her derisive eyes silently insult both Atara and Big Preesh as they step to my side.

“Let me back into B.O.B.!” Preesh shouts, and Atara and I both move from eyerolls to facepalms.

It’s a narrative device, Chris.

“Sure,” Fury cackles, happy to play the game. “Beat him.”

A clawed finger extends in my direction. Without turning his rotund frame, Preesh side-eyes me, as if he’s weighing up his options. Atara’s lips purse and her body shifts on the balls of her feet. She catches the faintest movement of my hand asking her - not telling her - to stop.

Preesh makes his own mind up.

“Nah, fam,” he tells Fury. “You wanna fuck wit’ him, you gonna have to do dat yo’self, ya feel me?”


I think I’m proud of Big Preesh. He finally resisted! Even Big fucking Preesh doesn’t want to be in B.O.B.!

A narrative device to show how far B.O.B. has fallen.

But you already know that, don’t you?

“Just as I thought,” she sneers. “You’ve always been pathetic.”

“Takes one to know one,” I jest, with all the ingenuity of anything that has ever come out of Chris Page’s mouth.

“Fuck you,” she spits at me.

“Yeah… you’re not really my type.”

I know people want to jump on the Corey bandwagon when it comes to me and my crotch-rocket, but I have expressed admiration for others too. I let Sarah Michelle Gellar lie on top of me, just for the fun of it. Atara may stand next to me, but her sister captivated me more. Shit, I’ve even praised the arms (nothing else!) of Bobby Bourbon. But Miss Fury? Vomit-Bag City, population me.

There’s that Chris Page ‘level’ again.

Turns out, Fisticuffs City, population us.


Miss Fury chooses Growlithe.

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“Holy fuckin’ shit!” Preesh squeals. “Look at her fuckin’ growler!”


“So the entire reason I put Miss Fury here was to make that joke. I hope you enjoyed it!

Probably not though.

Still better than anything Chris Page has come up with.”


“It’s a Growlithe, you gigantic piece of shit,” Fury growls. Because… growler. Ah, you get it!

“Is that all?” I mock her. “It doesn’t even have a flame.”

I wink at Charmeleon who doesn’t even notice. It’s too busy staring intently at the Growlithe.

“We haven’t even scratched the surface,” she seethes.

Miss Fury chooses Growlithe.

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“Oh my fuckin’ God!” Preesh howls again. “Two growlers!”

And still… no flame. Charmeleon puffs smoke from its eyes. Its tense body ready at any moment.

“Keep ‘em coming,” I laugh. Fire? I AM THE FIRE.

Miss Fury chooses Cloyster.

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“No effin’ way…” Atara mutters. Preesh’s eyes are wider than his tum-tum, the epitome of glee. “That’s actually a vagina, right?”

“I uh… I probably need to get better jokes when it comes to women,” I admit.

I’m no hero.

“Nice to see you’re just as inconsistent with your theme though,” I say to Fury. I guess she doesn’t have the… firepower.

I’m sorry. This shit really has gone downhill from the start, hasn’t it?

“Fuck you,” she repeats to me.

Not my type.

Miss Fury chooses Krabby.

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I’m not even going to say it. It’s too fucking easy!

Four ‘monsters’ stand across from me. I have four of my own.

But I don’t need them.

Charmeleon steps forward once again, all by its lonesome.

And in its bravery…

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The fire that snuffed the flames.

And single-handedly, it does.

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Seven down.


“Still no real fights.”

Episode 22: Pallet

The waters were calm on the journey back to the mainland. The flames were well and truly snuffed by now, and there was a strange sense of serenity as the shape of land emerged on the horizon. Above us, innocent birds glided on the winds.

I was coming home.

To the start.

Of it all.

It was easier to disembark here, than it had been on the islands. The ground was firmer and the currents calmer.

The three of us stepped onto dry land, and Charizard, having flown the entire way, landed on the path just ahead. Though we were out in the open, and the sun (dead or alive?) baked down on us from above, Charizard’s tail still burned as if it were the sun itself.

The whole word…

In my hand…

In a disorganised formation, we entered the town. My town.

“You’re back!” Professor Lane Wood calls out, as he rushes in to embrace me. “And with friends too!”

Atara scowls at him while he licks his lips.

“Come, come, come!” he urges, as he breaks the unwanted hug. “Your mother is waiting for you!”

“Mother?” Atara asks, sceptically.

“She fine?” Preesh asks, lustfully.

I ignore him. So does the Professor. He trots off into the tiny town, and leads the way past his laboratory and Corey’s house. Charizard launches one more, circling overhead. We arrive at the doorstep of the building that I first awoke in. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say Void of the Mind was still playing on the SNES upstairs.

“You’ve grown so much…”

A woman emerges. Radiant. Eternal. A subtle smile twitches its way onto her face, but in those intricacies I see…

In the face of God, I drop to my knees and weep.


I remember.

“Your daughter missed you.”

The baby is cradled in her arms.

This is…

“Find him. Find me.”


A phoenix flies above my head. Through tear-soaked eyes I watch it fly directly into the sun.


The city is deserted. Destroyed.

Bodies are strewn everywhere.

“I didn’t do that.”

Discord reigns.


Atara and Preesh are gone. As is the Professor. And…

It’s what you’ve been waiting for.

I am alone.

A rogue ball sits where they had stood - Atara’s mystery. I pick it up, and step forward.

Ever forward.

7E: Relentless

“What, did you think I was done?

Oh no! I’m not here to fuck spiders. This is a goddamn execution I’m running!

Don’t you get it, Chris? You want to main event Relentless. I FUCKING AM RELENTLESS!




Shit, this whole time, you’ve glossed over the fact that I fucking died right before I cashed in on your ass. What’s worse, Chris? A little six-on-five beatdown - yeah, nice glossing over that ‘five’ number there too - or being burnt alive? Yet I kept coming. Because I’m fighting for something bigger.

You want to talk about me ‘rehashing’ shit? I’m about to finally prove you right, but I feel like I’ve got a pretty good reason for it because it seems you haven’t been paying attention. For ten fucking years I was kept cooped up against my will. I was freed by something I can’t comprehend and compelled to return to the XWF for a reason I don’t understand. Shit, I don’t even remember why I was here thirteen fucking years ago in the first place! All of that was TAKEN from me.

Go ahead and make your fucking jokes about John Doe, shit call me Jane Doe while I’m at it - I’ll get the fucking dress! It stems from a place of reality. I don’t know my name. I don’t know my life. I don’t know who my family is or where I come from. But I damn sure know where I’m going!

To everything.

And I will fight until I’m fucking ash to get there.

Sorry, that was probably a bit too metaphorical for you. I’ll pull out completely before I fuck you again.

I’m doing it bareback though!

Chris, I will fight until I’m fucking dead.

Does that make it easier for you to understand? Shit, this shouldn’t even be fucking news. It’s the only way Lycana did it! And look how that wound up.

For you.

You want me to out-wrestle you? Nah… that’s not me. I’m going to out-fight you. I’m going to keep coming, like a fucking spider monkey. Because I don’t have a choice.

What am I rehashing here, Chris? I’ll spell it out!

The same rationale I’ve told to everyone.

Yet still you’ve missed it.

This is my reason for being, Chris. This is what drives me. This is why I’m here. This is why I care!

And this is why I’m out here, on my hands and fucking knees, begging you to give me something to fight! It’s all I know how to do. It’s what gets me up in the morning. The struggle. The battle. The war.

I will get to the end of this. I will fight through anything.

Chris Page…

I guess what I’m saying is… give me what I want.

I don’t want to Eat Chris Page.

These past two weeks? I already fucking have.

I want to Eat The Beast.

Unless all of a sudden YOU have turned bitch…”

Episode 23: The Beginning Of The End

This is a story, see? You wanted me to do things by myself, but I couldn’t get to this point without acknowledging the circumstances of what I’m dealing with.

I wanted to make it clear as fucking day what I’m prepared to do.

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Does that bring back memories for you?

I will go through everyone.

Through anything.

Into the fire.

It’s a long and tiresome path. In the distance, a city of promise and vision. Back to the beginning, in order to reach the end. But not of me.

I walk through the fucking fire. Because I was made to reach the other side.

“Let’s finally do this,” Corey says, stepping before the flames. I guess this is it then. So many false starts and near finishes. But sooner or later, we’re going to have to. And it won’t be in half-measures.

“Iggy!” he shouts.

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Though five are out, he keeps a secret sixth. With only five of my own, including my own mystery, I know I’m out-gunned.

Five versus six.

A Leap Of Faith.

It was never six-on-one.

But I don’t bitch and moan when I’m taking out by greater numbers.

I fight.

“Charizard,” I say, labelling rather than summoning, as the beast floats from the air and silently lands on the ground in front of me.

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He’s not alone.


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My other companions bring themselves forward of their own volition. Alone, I am, save for the creatures in my head.


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I place my hand upon the final ball, wondering about the mysteries within.

He does the same on his sixth.

We both pull the balls into our hands…

“Prepare for trouble!”

“Oh no,” Corey sighs.

“And make it double!”

Team Apex leap into frame, prancing and pouncing. I still stand in the fire, ready for it all.

“To protect the world from devastation!”
“To unite all peoples within our nation!”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”

Corey and I turn to face them. Ready to wage War again if we need to.

Together, we conquered all.

“Drew! That’s right!’

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“Weezing!” Rob calls, tossing a ball onto the ground.

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“Victreebel!” he adds.

Huh… that’s a new one.

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“Arbok!” Jimmy joins, throwing a ball of his own.

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“Lickitung!” Like Rob, he now has another.

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Even so… they’re out-gunned.

Like everyone else.


A whistle blows. Officer Betsy races onto the scene.

“Arcanine!” she shouts. Preesh isn’t around to make a joke.

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“Chansey!” Nurse Dolly adds, appearing on her cart from nowhere.

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A full horde of them!

And then, the others all start filing in: Lt. Borden with his lightning; Them No Good Bastards with their vines; Andre with his poison; Oswald with his mind; and Fury with her fire. More too. Herschel Kiss stumbles down from the mountains once more; the nameless dojo master with his fists of fury; even Diesel brings some steel. Though her sister is gone, Osira is here with ice. Other faces, other names, other elements. Birds and bugs and ghosts and fairies.

My fire is spreading.

The world is about to burn.

They’re all here for the finale. For the end. Their monsters spill out onto the battlefield. Corey shouts something that I couldn’t quite hear over the inferno. But it felt… significant.

And it was.

The Missing Sixth.

He throws his final ball.

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The world’s eyes widen. All save for my own.

My ball shakes.

It explodes.

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They think it’s a joke, but they don’t understand.

Magikarp uses Splash.





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I step out of the fire. On the other side.


Episode 24: Legendary

They’re gone. Like Preesh and Atara before them. The entire world has been rendered nought. The slate, wiped clean. Tabula rasa, of sorts.

“You found me.”

I know that voice! But… but it can’t be!

Floating down from the white nothing above, to the white nothing I stand in, I see legend personified. Fable. Myth.

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“You’re not…” I stammer. That voice I heard… I haven’t seen its source in almost four months. But this creature… this is not the creature I was seeking.

“No,” Mewtwo admits, cocking its head to the side as if it were studying me.



Around it, reality swirls.

This isn’t real!

I fucking told you this isn’t real, Chris!

I see it all.

Not real.

Not real.

Not real.


The elements combine around the myth in a vortex of immaterial shitfuckery. An extended joke, forming into something… other. It’s always something ‘other’.


This is Other.

“You are Other,” Mewtwo says. Its mouth doesn’t move, but in my mind I hear it speak. Feel it, even. But with its motionless face, I cannot read its intent. Is this a mockery, or something... ugh, other.

“Why do you…” I begin. I don’t get a chance to finish. The creature is there, prying my mind apart once more.

“...sound familiar?” It knows my struggle. “I chose a sound that I knew you would respond to. I thought it might be easier to engage.”

“With me…”I say, thinking aloud. “Why?”

“You are Other,” the creature repeats.

“But what does that mean?!” This sort of cryptic bullshit sounds like me but…

I’m in control!

I’m telling the story!



“You care,” it says.

“I care,” I repeat.

“Not many do,” it continues.

“Not many can,” I clarify.

And that’s it. That’s the moment that I understand. Why it is here. Why it has chosen me.





The fire that snuffs the flames.




In its eye, I see.

The Salmon-Coloured Minotaur.

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And in my hands, I hold its power.


This is fucking end game shit.

Episode 25: Earth

I’m in control.

I’m telling the story.

I am Other.


I appeared on this earth, the one like a son of man. Seven messages have been delivered, in seven places just like this. I step inside the final gym.

Above stone walls and scattered boulders, the faces of living creatures watch me. A gargoyle lion, ox, man, and eagle. Seven seals open, seven trumpets sound, and seven spiritual figures step onto this plain.

For me.

Seven bowls are poured and in the aftermath… the judgement.

Of The Beast.


Christ himself hammers together a table, flipping it upright as I arrive. On a silver platter, he places my feast.

“I built a dining room table for him,” someone else’s lord and savior says.

“For him to eat?” I ask.

“No,” Christ says. “An altar to place him upon.”


Remember that.

Upon the table, he places a steaming pile of shit.

I guess I am a liar. Chris Page was here in the end after all.

I’m not a hero.

And Jesus himself then gives my final artifact. Straight from Page’s own table.

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“I got this far on just one real fight.

Your words.

But that’s still more than any of you fuckers offered.

Eight down. Zero fights.

Ate ‘Em All.

So what to do now?

Guess I’ll go fight the Elite Four or something.

Lord knows that ain’t fucking you, Chris.”

The end.

7I: Epilogue

Enclosed and protected. Throbbing celestial meninges guard against the world without. That swirling splendour of clouds, coloured in everything. The war rages outside, but there are others in the fight.


And thus I take a breath, content that the line will hold for just a little longer. As I step forward into the void.

Five altars of stone stand above the aether.

The map.
The dagger.
The rope.
The stone.
The universe.

I place the Universal Championship on the final altar once more…

Que séra, séra.


“Oh… before I forget, I promised one big statement for my finale. Unlike Chris Page, I follow through.

I’m just going to leave this hanging out here, and Betsy, Robert, Jim, Drew, James, Shawn… I’ll let you guys play with it how you want.

Are you ready?


Are you SURE?

Well strap yourselves in, folks, because this is a fucking doozy!

December 21st, 2020: Chris Page stood with Miss Fury and Thunder Knuckles, plotting Robert Main’s downfall and Page acting like he definitely just fucked Jess.

Now, I know the date on Chris Page’s shit before Leap of Faith actually said 2021, but by context of the conversation and how he’s literally spent the last three or four weeks realising that time travel is in fact possible, you can tell that’s an honest mistake. That’s okay! I’m not petty enough to hold that part against you. He means 2020.

So what, right? Just hang in here!

November 26, Jess begins sharing a body with Michael Graves.

Until January 6.

You see where this is going, right, kids?

Either Chris Page is full of shit about B.O.B.’s formation…



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