We rejoin THG in the same predicament that we left him in however the landscape has changed slightly. THG appears to be passed out and still dangles handcuffed to a thick steel pipe overhead but cuts now adorn his body. His beloved Gucci ninja outfit is now left in tatters, butchered worse than a Lowmo promo. Dried blood is visible through the cuts and the ground beneath THG is covered in droplets. Directly in front of THG is the latest form of torture that Matey and Shsne has devised in order to try to break his spirit. The most torturous tourture of all torturedom, even more tortuous than than having your balls hooked up to a car battery or anal pirahanas. Shsne and Matey have had all of the War Games promos playing on a loop to the point where THG is no longer sure if Thunder Knuckles said the exact same shit in 42 different promos or if he’s losing his mind. Well… further losing his mind. Suddenly THG begins to stir and raises his head looking directly into the camera.


They still couldn’t break me, I’M UNBREAKABLE!

THG has a coughing fit.

The situation has become dire, excuse me, The SITUATIONS have become dire. Shane is acting like a real pinhead these days and is all over the fucking place. More all over the fucking place than usual to the point where you’re left wondering what to expect from a guy that usually leaves you not knowing what to expect. THAT’S TWO TIMES THE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECTNESS! Not knowing what to expect squared! Not knowing what to expect-ception. Not knowing what to expect disguised as a dude who’s playing another dude! We ain’t got no clue what the fuck is happening like popping acid and watching a Rain promo is what I’m trying to drive home here. That’s right, shit is so fucking dire I just dropped a reference naming he who shall not be named and we all know if you say Rain’s name 3 times that he will reappear in the XWF. Nobody wants that, he’ll be rawr XD-ing all over the place and splashing his gender fluid on everybody. I think it’s safe though because the last I saw him he was in Africa on a mandingo expedition getting baptised by the witch doctors of the bukkake tribe. I guess you could say… They blessed the Rains down in Africa. WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME, I’M RIGHT!


See ya’ll think being a Hired Gun is all fun and games not understanding the kind of weird shit I’ve seen in my travels. To ya’ll that shit is bonkers information that nobody wanted invading their thoughts but that’s the kind of shit I live with. You were merely adopted by weird shit, I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t find out that eating a hot dog in more than one bite was an option until I was already a man! Wait, what the fuck was I even talking about? Oh yeah, all the crazy shit that is going on. The sad part is that shit was just the tip of the shitberg. Due to Shane having erectile dysfunction of the soul or whatever the fuck the scentifical term for it is, this is the most rudderless clusterfuck of a War Games team any of my personalities have ever been on. Usually when Shane is involved there is some kind of plan, some guiding light to lead you through the insanity. Not this time, Shane has so much going on right now that there is ONLY insanity. That means that Dick Powers, Peter Gilmour, Brian Storm, and I are going to have to pick up the slack. Whoops, nevermind Brain Storm was replaced by Tommy Gunn who is seemingly just here because he loves trying to grab ahold of Gilmour’s ballsack.


Seriously Tommy, I get it. Gilmour is more attractive than you, more successful than you, a better asset to this team than you are, and overall everything you strive to be in life. It makes you angry to the point that you curse god every day for not making you half the man that Gilmour is. I get it Tommy, really I do. However your 24/7 obsession with getting Gilmour’s attention is getting Fatal Attractiony. Like I’m half expecting to read a news story that you teamed up with Griffin Molesterer and you guys scoured the earth to find some leftover Gilly fat. Then you guys broke into his house and took turns roleplaying as Gilmour, using his fat as lube, and dong worshipping each other in his bed! You’re all welcome for that mental image by the way. However I can do you one better. You imagined what that looked like but just imagine what it SMELLED like. Griffin looks like he smells like elephant dick and Tommy looks like he smells like he got slam fucked at a homeless orgy. Again, you’re welcome.


So in reality the only ones left to pick up the slack are Dick Powers, Peter Gilmour, and I. Which is why I have been Gun napped and tortured which may help in the long run but for now has only helped cripple the team even more. As snazzy a dresser as Dick Powers is and as much as he needs to hook me up with one of those robes he’s got, we’ve never been on a team before. Since I’m stuck here Dick and I aren’t going to have much time to feel each other up or out… Or both? But I digress. We’re not going to be able to get the proper amount of feeling going on before the match. After the match may be a different story but that’s not going to help us at War Games. Dick, Peter, all I can promise the two of you is that I will make it to war games one way or another and I will do my best to lead us to victory but I can’t just let Shsne and Matey have what they want. The mind is a fragile thing as DRW Labs can attest after fracturing mine and still not being able to figure out how to draw out who they want me to be when they want me to be them. Sorry fellas but that’s not how it works in here…

HG taps the side of his head with his index finger.

You see in here it all comes down to who wants control and who has the strength to actually take it. What Matey and Shsne want is one of the XWF’s heavy hitters rattling around in ol’ HG’s noodle to grasp control and drag Shane ’s team to the promised land. The problem? You want a heavy hitter to get all fired up for Robert Main, CCP, Shawn Warstein, Hanari Carnes, Michael Graves, and Centurion? That’s like offering Jeff Bezos a McDouble you just pulled out of the dumpster and assuring him it’s okay because it was just on top of the other trash. Top of the trash or not it’s still fucking trash. Moreover, even if it was a fresh McDouble right off the grill, what kind of value does it hold to someone who’s used to eating wagyu ribeye, calamari, and ayam cemani black chicken? That is the kind of value the people I just mentioned hold. Are they good? Not particularly but hey they’re cheap and they’re the best thing the XWF’s got right now. That may be enough for the poor unfortunate fans who have always watched the XWF and refuse to watch any other federation no matter how shitty the product has gotten and no matter how much the steady diet of garbage the XWF is feeding them is slowly killing them inside. The same goes for those poor souls buried under the trash heap kings I’ve mentioned that joined the XWF looking to make a name for themselves. The ones who spend week in and week out clawing their way through trash mountain trying to reach the top so that the spotlight will finally shine down on them. Yes, that’s all well and good for them but. As Thunder Knuckles so eloquently put it, I’m not even in the locker room week in and week out. BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TO BE! Which basically defeats the entire purpose of everything he had to say by the way. I mean his entire argument against me other than I don’t have to wrestle every week is that Shane hasn’t paid me… In XBUX. Jesus Christ Knuckles, you sound like Barney Green and I would know, he’s in here.

HG taps the side of his head again.

Coupons that are only good on February 31st, a Vanessa Gibson sex tape, XFL stock, fishnet condoms, and the structural integrity of Evgeni Medved’s spine. All of these things are worthless yet would still be worth more to me than fucking XBUX. It’s also cute how you came to the conclusion that two guys involved in as much illegal shit as Shane and I are involved in would choose to exchange a currency so easily tracked that YOU can track it. Lastly Knuckles, it’s amazing to me how you’re so ready to jump into the ring with me NOW. It just happened all of sudden when at ANY TIME you could have simply said “let’s go”. Jimmy Havoc did, ask and you shall receive. Now, which Hired Gun answers your challenge may be up for debate but somebody is going to answer. You didn’t even pick up the phone though did you Knuckles? Why is that? Simple, Me Vs You isn’t a conversation that you want to have because Me Vs you is like having a conversation about Michael Jordan vs Zhu Fangyu. We’re not even in the same league and you know it. That’s why you’re feeling so froggy now but for months you sat in silence. You think I’m worried about some shit tier dicksmear who suddenly found courage because he got booked in a team match with me where I won’t be able to focus all of my attention on him? Eat a plethora of peen you spineless cunt. Also, feel free to drop the ed from your little insult and call me The Pimp Gun from now on because you just became my bottom bitch.


This situation with Knuckles is eerily similar to a situation I have with somebody else on team NPC, CCP. Apparently CCP thinks I appeared without a mask at James Raven’s XX show. Well, I was at a James Raven show, I’ll give you that but it wasn’t XX. What was the name of that show again CCP? You should remember, after all you were there too. Regardless of which show it was, you seem to have War Games built up in your mind as some epic crossroads in our careers. A clash of the titans, King Kong Vs Godzilla, Ali vs Frazier, Dukes Mayo Vs Miracle Whip! Oh what a sight it will be for all to behold! CCP, mmm mmm mmm. Just like your buddy Knuckles, you think you have everything all intricately sewn together but all I have to do is pull one string and everything unravels. You are hyped for this, YOU. I can assure you that for me as well as everybody else under this mask, you’re just another opponent. They could drop Tristan Slater in your place, the reaction would be no different. Steve Davids, Tony Santos, Joseph Page, or anybody else along those lines. Are you catching my drift here Page? You look at all of these people listed and do you know what response the average person says? Meh, that’s the reaction and your name fits right in. I will say this though Page, thank you. In spite of whatever any of these other jerkoffs say, you studied me and I look enough like somebody on the XX show that’s important enough to get your panties wet. So, thanks for the cosign since half the people in the XWF wouldn’t know talent if it was growing on their genitals. We’ve already established that the prospect of getting into the ring with me gets you all hot and bothered. However the prospect of me calling you overrated did the opposite and turned you into a huffy little bitch. Why is that?


Well when somebody who you perceive to be at a certain level isn’t the least bit excited about climbing into the ring with you, that says all that needs to be said. CCP received the message loud and clear then responded by telling me about how many titles he won. NIGGA, I SAID WHAT I SAID! You think your 17 titles somehow changes my evaluation of your TALENT? For somebody who’s been in this business for 69 thousand years you sure as fuck didn’t learn anything because title wins are not the end all be all. They never have been and they never will be. Yet that’s what you came with because that’s the kind of weak bullshit that flies in the XWF these days. So in closing, you can take your 17 titles and shove them in your pussy. You aren’t impressive now and you’ve never been impressive to me Chris. If I’m who you say I am, I guess that’s why our paths have never crossed huh? Again… Meh


Robert NPC, you were doing that on purpose right? Please tell me you were purposely amping up your NPCism as a giant middle finger to me. Actually don’t tell me that because I don’t want you to have to tell lies on my behalf. Plus we all know that you’re not entertaining enough to actually pull anything remotely close to that off due to your aspergers or whatever the fuck gives you the personality of a park bench. So, let me give you a rundown of what you did NPC and I’ll even say it slow so you can understand how fucking absurd it was. I... Know… You... Are… But… What… Am… I… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK NPC? And you wonder why you got skull fucked out of the Universal Title picture and I call you an NPC? EXHIBIT FUCKING A! I call you an NPC because you’re a bland, boring, and basic background character with no qualities that make you stand out. You reply by calling me cookie cutter? DA FUCK? As if the I know you are but what am I aspect wasn’t laughable enough, the guy who stands out as much as a vanilla wafer is calling me cookie cutter? Ah ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha…… AH HA! Boy, even if I was cookie cutter, compared to your vanilla wafer ass I’m as original as a dick cheese snickerdoodle.

BOOM!

The wall behind THG explodes sending ruble hurling everywhere. A piece of brick even bounces off of THG’s head but don’t worry, nothing important was damaged. As the dust settles there stands none other THE KOOL AID MAN! Nah, but how fucking cool would that be? Instead it’s just another Hired Gun. The newly appeared HG rushes over to OGHG and breaks him free of his handcuffs. [/color]

HG: Are you okay dude? I got here as fast as I could. All the other HGs told me not to worry about you but I knew something was wrong so I tracked you down.

OGHG: Yeah, I’m fine now, thanks… Wait, which one are you again?

HG: HG #237

OGHG: OH YEAH! 237, you were always my favorite.

HG: Even over your son?

OGHG: You don’t see him here saving my ass do you?

HG: Fair point.

OGHG limps towards the gaping hole in the wall and HG follows. Suddenly the sound of a door opening is heard followed by footsteps and the sound of a ball rolling. Shsne and Matey now rush into the room, Shsne with a gun in his hand. OGHG turns around just in time to get splattered with HG #237’s brain matter. Shsne now takes aim at OGHG.

OGHG: Aww! FUCK YOU GUYS! I actually liked him.

Matey: An expendable asset just like you so don’t make Shsne have to shoot you too.

OGHG: Rest my friend, I’ve got this.

Matey: What?

OGHG rushes at Shsne who lets off shots missing him every with every shot. OGHG gets close to Shsne and unleashes a hellacious spin kick followed by a Kusarigama that knocks Shsne out cold. OGHG then turns his attention to Matey.

OGHG: Well, you got what you want, I’m in control now but let me tell you this little tomato. Be careful what you wish for.

With that OGHG turns and walks through the hole in the wall escaping and no doubt heading for War Games. However the question is, who’s in control?

Fade to black.